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The only symptomatic dwarf. Photo © Disney.

Seven Dwarfs quarantined; only one is symptomatic

He's been "sneezing like crazy." BURBANK, CA -- In a statement released today, the Disney Company announced that all seven dwarfs have been quarantined after possible exposure to COVID-19. Only one is showing any symptoms of the virus. Citing medical privacy laws, the company refused to provide the identity of the symptomatic character. However, they did say he has been "sneezing like crazy." There have been no test results to confirm that the symptoms were caused by the virus. The unnamed individual is ... Read more
Disney chefs who are (mostly) virus-free. Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

Contact Disney Dining in advance for “virus free” meals

Now in addition to kosher meals or allergy-sensitive meals, you can request "no virus." WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- Restaurants at the Walt Disney World Resort, Spa & Mask Emporium have always been sensitive to guests with special dietary needs. Guests who would like to have kosher or halal meals, or who have restrictions due to allergies, need only contact Disney Dining in advance to make their requests. And Disney's chefs will create wonderful, tasty dishes to meet your needs that are ... Read more
Disney's Contemporary Resort, minus half of its rooms. Photo by Jared [CC BY 2.0] via Flickr.

Every other room in the Contemporary removed to aid social distancing

Finally, a use for the modular room design! WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- For the first time in it's 200-year history [Note: check that number before publication], Disney's Giant Toaster Contemporary Resort and Spa has used its modular room design. But instead of removing the rooms for remodeling, every other room is being removed to aid social distancing. Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation) tells Uncle Walt's Insider, "It's the perfect way to keep our guests apart." We thought there were issues with ... Read more
Disney's new Lion Tiger King live remake. Photo of cuddly kitty cats [Public Domain. Photo of slightly cuddly Dwayne Johnson by Eva Rinaldi [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia. Photo of not-so-cuddly Hillary Clinton by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia.

Carole Baskin will sponsor new Animal Kingdom attraction

This is something the people are clamoring for, right? ANIMAL KINGDOM, FL -- Uncle Walt's Insider is pleased to bring you this exclusive announcement from Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation): "Hey all you cool cats and kittens [Ed.: Shoot us now.], Jun Disney (the spokeswoman) [Ed.: no relation] from the Disney (the company) Company here to tell you all about a wild new sponsor coming to the Animal Kingdom Park at Walt Disney World Resort, Spa & Outlet Mall! Next: "Big ... Read more
Emperor Palpatine, before he died. We think. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Emperor Palpatine died of Covid-19

In spite of what you think you saw onscreen, he had Covid in his blood at time of death. BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU -- A short statement released by the First Order confirms what many outlets have been reporting: Emperor Palpatine is dead from the coronavirus. The statement is below. The statement "The First Order sadly announces that our beloved Emperor Palpatine's passing was due to complications of Covid-19. "While it is true he engaged in a glorious battle with a talentless young girl, only to ... Read more