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Disney's new Lion Tiger King live remake. Photo of cuddly kitty cats [Public Domain. Photo of slightly cuddly Dwayne Johnson by Eva Rinaldi [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia. Photo of not-so-cuddly Hillary Clinton by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia.

Carole Baskin will sponsor new Animal Kingdom attraction

This is something the people are clamoring for, right? ANIMAL KINGDOM, FL -- Uncle Walt's Insider is pleased to bring you this exclusive announcement from Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation): "Hey all you cool cats and kittens [Ed.: Shoot us now.], Jun Disney (the spokeswoman) [Ed.: no relation] from the Disney (the company) Company here to tell you all about a wild new sponsor coming to the Animal Kingdom Park at Walt Disney World Resort, Spa & Outlet Mall! Next: "Big ... Read more
Emperor Palpatine, before he died. We think. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Emperor Palpatine died of Covid-19

In spite of what you think you saw onscreen, he had Covid in his blood at time of death. BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU -- A short statement released by the First Order confirms what many outlets have been reporting: Emperor Palpatine is dead from the coronavirus. The statement is below. The statement "The First Order sadly announces that our beloved Emperor Palpatine's passing was due to complications of Covid-19. "While it is true he engaged in a glorious battle with a talentless young girl, only to ... Read more
"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!" Photo by Random UWI Fan, used with permission. We think.

Mariachi ‘invasion’ of America Gardens Theatre prompts new border wall

The President vowed to get right on this. EPCOT, FL -- Walt Disney World guests, already reeling from so many changes, found a new disturbance at EPCOT's World Showcase. The America Pavilion's normal patriotic music, backed by the incredibly talented Voices of Liberty, has been replaced by the sounds of mariachi. Tensions were already running high in World Showcase, what with the UK Pavilion pulling out, the invasion of the French Pavilion, and the protests after Applebee's took the riblets off the menu ... Read more
Now Mickey will cry over your dead body! Photo by Chad Sparkes [CC BY 2.0] via Flickr, modified.

QUESTION: Did Walt Disney World reopen to increase Magical Funerals® clients?

Would Disney exploit a health crisis to drum up business? WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- While many have questioned Walt Disney World's decision to reopen its theme parks during the pandemic, some are suggesting a more sinister motive. "They have a business built on death," said Cast Member Jordan from Davenport, FL our source, who asked to remain anonymous, referring to WDW's Magical Funerals® services. "I've been working with the Disney Magical Funerals® department for over a year. And you'd think that when the ... Read more
Madame Leota is pretty socially distanced inside a crystal ball. Is the mask really necessary? Photo by Cory Doctorow [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Flickr.

BREAKING: Haunted Mansion COVID overlay?

You can't tell if the grim ghosts are grinning behind their face masks. UNCLE WALT'S H.Q., SVALBARD -- With fans still reeling from the many changes to Disney parks, Uncle Walt's Insider has just learned of more to come. There are potential drastic changes to the Haunted Mansion attraction on their way, incorporating the COVID virus into the ride! Is nothing sacred? Won't someone think of the children? Our source We received an email from a faithful reader who wishes to remain anonymous. Well, we ... Read more