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Former Disney characters, now kindling. Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

Disney sells unpopular characters to raise funds

We're really going to miss B.O.B. BURBANK, CA -- A short paragraph hidden away in the Walt Disney Company Q3 2020 Earnings Report reveals that the company sold off the rights to unpopular characters to raise money to keep the company from folding. The list of characters is quite large, but notable characters are the 6th and 8th mop from Fantasia's The Sorcerer's Apprentice segment [Ed.: The performance by mop number 8 was abysmal], B.O.B. from The Black Hole, Condorman, Osh Popham from ... Read more
COVID I, II, & III writer-director George Lucas. Photo by Nicolas Genin [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia.

George Lucas to write, direct COVID 1, 2 & 3 prequels

At least if they're like the Star Wars prequels, they won't be infectious. BURBANK, CA -- Walt Disney Studios announced today that George Lucas is producing a new trilogy for theatrical release based on COVID 19. The new movies, given the working titles of COVID I, II & III, will be written, produced, and directed by the Star Wars creator. Inside sources say that although the movies are slated for wide released, no one is expecting them to spread past the initial curious ... Read more
The only symptomatic dwarf. Photo © Disney.

Seven Dwarfs quarantined; only one is symptomatic

He's been "sneezing like crazy." BURBANK, CA -- In a statement released today, the Disney Company announced that all seven dwarfs have been quarantined after possible exposure to COVID-19. Only one is showing any symptoms of the virus. Citing medical privacy laws, the company refused to provide the identity of the symptomatic character. However, they did say he has been "sneezing like crazy." There have been no test results to confirm that the symptoms were caused by the virus. The unnamed individual is ... Read more
Emperor Palpatine, before he died. We think. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Emperor Palpatine died of Covid-19

In spite of what you think you saw onscreen, he had Covid in his blood at time of death. BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU -- A short statement released by the First Order confirms what many outlets have been reporting: Emperor Palpatine is dead from the coronavirus. The statement is below. The statement "The First Order sadly announces that our beloved Emperor Palpatine's passing was due to complications of Covid-19. "While it is true he engaged in a glorious battle with a talentless young girl, only to ... Read more
We're disappointed. We thought we'd be able to see the potato. Photo [CC0] via Pikist.

Potato cam, more coming soon to Disney+

The scratchy VHS transfer of Phantom should bring in a lot of new subscribers! BURBANK, CA -- Following an increase in subscriptions, likely due to the release of Hamilton, Disney+ has announced several new titles which will be added in the coming months. (For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, Disney+ is Disney's streaming service where you can stream movies, TV movies, and ... yeah, that's about it.) A bulleted list! Here are some of the highlights that have been ... Read more