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The only symptomatic dwarf. Photo © Disney.

Seven Dwarfs quarantined; only one is symptomatic

He's been "sneezing like crazy." BURBANK, CA -- In a statement released today, the Disney Company announced that all seven dwarfs have been quarantined after possible exposure to COVID-19. Only one is showing any symptoms of the virus. Citing medical privacy laws, the company refused to provide the identity of the symptomatic character. However, they did say he has been "sneezing like crazy." There have been no test results to confirm that the symptoms were caused by the virus. The unnamed individual is ... Read more
Emperor Palpatine, before he died. We think. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Emperor Palpatine died of Covid-19

In spite of what you think you saw onscreen, he had Covid in his blood at time of death. BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU -- A short statement released by the First Order confirms what many outlets have been reporting: Emperor Palpatine is dead from the coronavirus. The statement is below. The statement "The First Order sadly announces that our beloved Emperor Palpatine's passing was due to complications of Covid-19. "While it is true he engaged in a glorious battle with a talentless young girl, only to ... Read more
We're disappointed. We thought we'd be able to see the potato. Photo [CC0] via Pikist.

Potato cam, more coming soon to Disney+

The scratchy VHS transfer of Phantom should bring in a lot of new subscribers! BURBANK, CA -- Following an increase in subscriptions, likely due to the release of Hamilton, Disney+ has announced several new titles which will be added in the coming months. (For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, Disney+ is Disney's streaming service where you can stream movies, TV movies, and ... yeah, that's about it.) A bulleted list! Here are some of the highlights that have been ... Read more
Meet Mickey's new voice! Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr, & Pxhere.

BREAKING: Disney animal characters will only be voiced by actual animals

It's only right. BURBANK, CA -- As you may have read, Disney property The Simpsons will now have characters voiced only by actors of the same race as their fictional counterparts. Apart from the company scrambling to find yellow actors, they now say that they are extending the policy to non-human characters. Yes, from now on, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and other beloved Disney characters will only be voiced by animals. Sources say the company is struggling to find a man-dog hybrid to ... Read more
Covie, starring in Disney-Pixar's "VIRAL" in 2021. Photo by Mikhail Denishchenko [CC0] via publicdomainpictures.net, modified.

Pixar announces 2021 coronavirus-themed film: “VIRAL”

It's the story of a misunderstood virus just wanting to be loved. EMERYVILLE, CA -- Disney Pixar Studios has announced a new feature film release for 2021: "VIRAL."  A press release for the film describes the protagonist as "Covie, a young virus struggling with loneliness, in a world that wants nothing to do with him." Covie "once had a beloved friend and host, an elderly food stall vendor in an unnamed eastern country." [Ed.: He dies in the first ten minutes, right? Dang it, ... Read more