Page 2 – Uncle Walt's Insider
Oh, yeah. There's also a giant mask on Cinderella Castle. Photo by Michael Gray [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Flickr.

BREAKING: Walt Disney World closed following Monkeypox outbreak

Wait, what did they put on Main Street USA??? WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- In stunning news, exclusive to Uncle Walt's Insider [Ed.: Actually, most of the articles we make up are exclusive to us], Walt Disney World has shut down entirely due to an outbreak of monkeypox. Details are sketchy at the moment, so instead of making stuff up like we usually do, we reached out to our favorite Disney spokesperson. Our favorite Disney spokesperson Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation) was ... Read more
Hey, look! He's even doing the two-finger point! Photo courtesy TripAdvisor, slightly (?) altered.

Disney to buy Holy Land Experience, replace images of Jesus with CEO Chapek

Walt: "Hey, Marty, can you make a cover image for a story on Bob Chapek replacing Jesus without being too blasphemous?" Marty: "Can I finally get paid for doing this?" Walt: "Ha ha ha ha ha! No." ORLANDO, FL-- Disney has announced exciting plans to acquire and reopen the Holy Land Experience theme park! In an all-cash deal valued at, oh, let's round it up to $20, Disney will buy the property, buildings, and intellectual property associated with the park. (See our companion article: ... Read more
UWI step-planDisney

Step-planDisney: The rumored Cars/Raya/Moana/Frozen/Tangled/Garfield crossover movie – real or fiction?

Uncle Walt's Insider step-planDisney (Step)Moms answer your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.] "Dear step-planDisney (Step)Moms: Will there be a crossover movie with Cars and Raya and the Lost Dragon and Moana and Frozen and Tangled and Garfield?" - Malikhi Brandon, Bellevue, NE Marty: Dear Brandy, thank you for writing. A crossover with Cars, Raya, Moana, Frozen, Tangled & Garfield? ... Read more
Not an actual photo of the boarding, but wouldn't it be cool if it happened like this? Artist concept © Lucasfilm & Disney.

Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser raided by pirates

Pictured: artist's concept of the pirate-...ing. BATUU, OUTER RIM -- Guests aboard the Halcyon starcruiser had a frightening experience recently in the Outer Rim Territories. A group of pirates, believed to be hiding out at Black Spire Outpost, boarded the starcruiser with blasters drawn and threatening guests and crew. The Halcyon, a Corellian MPO-1400 model starcruiser (home port: Nassau, The Bahamas), is a 100-cabin vessel hailed as the "jewel of the Chandrila Star Line."  Don't you hate it when your blue shrimp and noodles ... Read more

Disneyland reveals new Magic Key prices – with a blockout date surprise!

By Groot's Hammer, what a savings! ANAHEIM, CA -- In a recent earnings call, Disney CEO and Grand Poobah Bob "Bob" Chapek had some big news that Disney fans are sure to love! While speaking about huge profits from the parks department, he said that big changes were in store - changes that guests should love! Starting in August, guests will be able to purchase a Magic Key in one of four tiers, all at rock bottom prices! For large values of "rock bottom"  ... Read more