Uncle Walt's Insider | Your Super-Reliable Source for Theme Park News
What Walt Disney World used to look like at Christmas time. Stock photo from DepositPhotos.

Walt Disney World cancels Christmas

He took all their presents, their ribbons, their wrappings, Their snoof and their fuzzles, their tringlers and trappings! WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- For decades, Disney has embraced the holidays, overloading their parks with festive garlands, lights, music, and shows. There were few places in the world that celebrated the season like Walt Disney World. But not this year. In yet another indicator that 2020 really sucks, [Ed.: Are professional journalists allowed to say "sucks" now?] [Marty: Forget professional journalists. How about us?] park officials announced ... Read more
Construction of Disneyland Texas, probably! Photo by Philip Hawling [CC BY-SA 2.0] via www.geograph.org.uk; inset photo via DepositPhotos.

Construction underway for Disneyland Texas; location revealed!

It'll be so easy to get to! FUTURE SITE OF DISNEYLAND TEXAS -- Are you as excited as we are for the newly-relocated Disneyland in Texas? Uncle Walt's Insider is thrilled to announce that ground has been broken, and construction has begun! And the new location is just where many predicted it would be. Your reporter was invited on a tour of the property, led by Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation). After a bit of a delay in my getting to ... Read more
UWI (Step)Moms Panel

(Step)Moms Panel: What’s our take on the Food & Wine Tour?

The Uncle Walt's Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.] "Dear (Step)Moms: What do you really think of the Food & Wine Tour? Sweet, spicy, salty or a little too saucy?" - Carmela D., Dallas-Ft. Worth TX Ub: You forgot umami. Now I want some sushi. X: Give me all the desserts. Actual food, eh, ... Read more
Ultimate cosmic power!!!! Still can't reopen Disneyland. Image background by Carlos Donderis [CC BY-NC-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

“Mega-Merger”: Disney purchases Apple, Google, Microsoft & Amazon

And they are currently negotiating with both major political parties. BURBANK, CA -- In a stunning development, the Disney Company announced today that it will be purchasing Apple, Google, Microsoft and Amazon, and all of their subsidiary brands. Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation) was ecstatic. "This is off the record, obviously," she whispered into our hidden microphone, "but this is just one step closer to our ultimate goal of world domination." How does that square with with founder Walt Disney (related)'s dream ... Read more
The entrance arch to the newly-renamed "Orlando Magic Kingdom." Photo by Ivan Curra [CC BY-SA-3.0] via Wikimedia.

Disney adds corporate sponsor for the renamed “Orlando Magic Kingdom”

Nothing like a sponsor to make up for lost profits. AMWAY CENTER, FL -- Amid financial losses and decreased attendance, The Walt Disney Company has turned to corporate sponsorship to make up some of the shortfall. Corporate sponsorship, of course, is nothing new to Disney. However, for the first time ever, an entire park will be sponsored. Disney has announced that Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom will now be known as "The Orlando Magic Kingdom." Something about Basketball Uncle Walt's Insider was [Ed.: the ... Read more