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Disney Takes Manhattan. Photo [CC0] courtesy MaxPixel & FreeSVG.

Disney buys island of Manhattan

Hey, look what they were able to do with swampland in Florida! NEW YORK, NY -- The Island of Manhattan used to be the crown jewel of New York City. The streets were filled with cars and people rushing from place to place. It was a huge hub of the world economy -- and had some of the highest real estate rates in the world.  However, once the Coronavirus found its way out of China, economies collapsed. Businesses were forced to shut their doors, ... Read more
Former Disney characters, now kindling. Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

Disney sells unpopular characters to raise funds

We're really going to miss B.O.B. BURBANK, CA -- A short paragraph hidden away in the Walt Disney Company Q3 2020 Earnings Report reveals that the company sold off the rights to unpopular characters to raise money to keep the company from folding. The list of characters is quite large, but notable characters are the 6th and 8th mop from Fantasia's The Sorcerer's Apprentice segment [Ed.: The performance by mop number 8 was abysmal], B.O.B. from The Black Hole, Condorman, Osh Popham from ... Read more
No longer soon-to-be-appearing at the American Adventure Pavilion & Donut Shop. Photo by Thomas Hawk [CC BY-NC 2.0] via Flickr.

Winchell’s Donut House, others on chopping block at EPCOT

No Timbits at Le Cellier, we're sad to report. EPCOT, FL -- As Walt Disney World slowly re-opens, fans everywhere are starting to wonder about the status of the various plans previously announced for the Disney parks. As Disney looks closer at their updated financials, we are said to report that some favorite donut chains will not be appearing after all. The Winchell's Donut House planned for the American Pavilion, the Tim Horton's planned for the Canada Pavilion, and the Mister Donut planned ... Read more
Disney's new Lion Tiger King live remake. Photo of cuddly kitty cats [Public Domain. Photo of slightly cuddly Dwayne Johnson by Eva Rinaldi [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia. Photo of not-so-cuddly Hillary Clinton by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia.

Carole Baskin will sponsor new Animal Kingdom attraction

This is something the people are clamoring for, right? ANIMAL KINGDOM, FL -- Uncle Walt's Insider is pleased to bring you this exclusive announcement from Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation): "Hey all you cool cats and kittens [Ed.: Shoot us now.], Jun Disney (the spokeswoman) [Ed.: no relation] from the Disney (the company) Company here to tell you all about a wild new sponsor coming to the Animal Kingdom Park at Walt Disney World Resort, Spa & Outlet Mall! Next: "Big ... Read more
Emperor Palpatine, before he died. We think. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Emperor Palpatine died of Covid-19

In spite of what you think you saw onscreen, he had Covid in his blood at time of death. BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU -- A short statement released by the First Order confirms what many outlets have been reporting: Emperor Palpatine is dead from the coronavirus. The statement is below. The statement "The First Order sadly announces that our beloved Emperor Palpatine's passing was due to complications of Covid-19. "While it is true he engaged in a glorious battle with a talentless young girl, only to ... Read more