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What exactly are the mask's ear loops holding on to? Photo by Kjaergaard [CC BY-SA 3.0] via Wikimedia.

SeaWorld Orlando reopens June 11, won’t sell off their animals after all

What exactly are Shamu's mask's ear loops holding on to?  ORLANDO, FL -- Looks like SeaWorld's animals will get to swim around some more. Our taste buds' loss is their gain. Interim SeaWorld CEO Marc Swanson (of Swanson TV dinners fame) presented their plans to the May 27th Orange County Economic Recovery Task Force (M27OCERTF, as all the kids call it). SeaWorld has canceled the sale of their animals to the Gorton's Fisherman and will re-open the parks. The plan is very ... Read more
This will keep the Castle from being infected with guests. Photo by Michael Gray [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Flickr.

Walt Disney World reopens July 11th, 2025!

2025? Sounds like they're rushing into this. WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- Disney announced plans for the reopening of Walt Disney World at the May 27th Orange County Economic Recovery Task Force ("M27OCERTF"). A "phased reopening" of the parks will begin in just over five years! Jim McPhee (brother to Nanny McPhee), Senior Vice President of Operations for Walt Disney World, presented the plans. McPhee broke out into song --one written, of course, by Disney Legend Richard Sherman. It was a catchy number, ... Read more
If you see any viruses there, report them to the nearest Cast Member. Photo by Thomas photography [CC BY-SA 4.0] via Wikimedia.

Disney Springs reopens! What you need to know

Practical advice for inserting yourself among other diseased Disney guests DISNEY SPRINGS, FL -- Disney Springs has reopened, without much coverage and fanfare. A few guests popped in to see if there were any sales, and to enjoy a churro. Many folks seem to be hesitant, though, waiting to see what happens after the reopening. (In other words, do the few who visit go home and immediate die a screaming death in agony?) Well, Uncle Walt's Insider is here to provide answers! We've ... Read more
The land will be converted back to orange groves, we're guessing. Photo [CC0] via Pxhere.

BREAKING NEWS: DISNEYLAND TO CLOSE PERMANENTLY

Not a surprise. No one's gone there for weeks. ANAHEIM, CA -- The news that we all feared has come. Contrary to the ramblings of those know-nothing "(Step)Moms" yesterday, officials at the Disney Company announced today that the Disneyland Resort will remain closed permanently. Although the reason has not been announced, we suspect the closure is because the park has become extremely unpopular. No official numbers are available, but some sources are report that NO ONE has visited Disneyland for almost two months! ... Read more
The addition of a carrying handle will be a prominent change. Photo by Jedi94 [CC BY-SA 3.0] via Wikimedia.

Shutdown bonus 2: Disney’s Hollywood Studios – Pocket Edition

First a foldable Epcot, now this! WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL -- While the theme parks were quiet, most of the time, there was some work going on behind the scenes. As we reported yesterday, EPCOT will be foldable, and that's not all Disney will have for guests when they return. Using similar technology, Disney's Hollywood Studios will be converted to Disney's Hollywood Studios - Pocket Edition! Guests will be able to carry the park in their own pocket, which will allow then to ... Read more