World Archives | Page 4 of 25 |
Goofy, shortly after being appointed CEO. We're assuming Toon Town is in shambles now. Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

Mickey’s retirement lasts less than one day

Goofy wasn't fit to be Disney CEO. His name isn't Bob. BURBANK, CA -- Mickey Mouse is back. After announcing his retirement yesterday, the Mouse "pulled an Iger" and announced his unretirement today. No formal reason was given. A source tells Uncle Walt's Insider, however, that Goofy was a "disaster." Anonymous sources  Minnie Our source, who wished to remain anonymous, giggled and said, "My sweetheart just was made to be the head guy. Everyone loves Mickey!" "Oh, sure, everyone loves Goofy, too, but not in the ... Read more
Mickey Mouse. Not Marty. Image by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

BREAKING: MICKEY MOUSE ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT

He'll still make appearances, but he's turning over the running of the company to Goofy. BURBANK, CA -- In a stunning move, Disney icon Mickey Mouse is retiring as the "big boss" of the Disney empire. The company announced today that Mickey, who is well into his 90's, is "stepping away" to spend more time with Minnie and enjoy his "twilight years." The announcement says Mickey will still appear in the parks on a limited basis, but will leave the daily operations ... Read more
It was either use this stock photo or a clearly photoshopped one of Kim Jong Un shaking hands with Goofy.

Disneyland Pyongyang remains open

They just do everything right! PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA -- Amidst global shutdowns of the theme park and entertainment industries, one nation has managed to keep its Disney park operating. In fact, not just operating, but flourishing! In an article published yesterday, the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) reported that "His Excellency Marshal Kim Jong Un personally welcomed the five trillionth visitor to Disneyland Pyongyang." The "glorious meeting" was "a fruition of the wise guidance of the Workers' Party of Korea and the great ... Read more
The actual headline from the Denver Post if this were real! Photo mostly from the Orlando Sentinel.

Disneyland Denver? Elitch’s “developer” might be Disney!

"The River Mile" project may have been a front for the Mouse! DENVER, CO -- Elitch Gardens (just "Elitch's" to the locals) was a beloved theme park in west Denver with roots going back to the late 1800's. Eventually, in 1995, the name (but not the "beloved") moved downtown, becoming a generic cookie-cutter amusement park monstrosity with great views of the mountains. (Then again, just about any place in Denver has great views of the mountains. It's not like they're hard to see. ... Read more
The new DiZOOMney logo.

Chapek: Disney attractions will convert to Zoom

It's only natural, since Disney bought Zoom. BR'ER BANK, CA -- Bob "Robert" Chapek, the once and future king deposed CEO, announced this morning that Disney parks will be very different when they reopen. "I've been playing around with Zoom a lot," Chapek tells Uncle Walt's Insider, "and it's pretty cool. Did you know you can do different backgrounds and stuff?" Chapek plans to integrate the technology into Disney theme parks. Wishing, and hoping, and thinking, and praying, planning, and dreaming "I've had a lot of ... Read more