The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: I was considering going on Disney Cruise Line with my family, but I just heard about the Jungle Cruise boat sinking. Can I trust that the cruise ship is safe?” – Lauren T., Braddock, PA VA
X:
Hi Lauren, thank you for writing.
If you believe random people on the internet (and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t), the Walt Disney Company operates the world’s 4th largest navy! However, by more conservative estimates (only ships with a displacement of more than 200 tonnes count as ‘ships’), Disney only operates 4 ships. And other than a minor persistent engine vibration of the Disney Fantasy, none of them have ever had any serious issues, and certainly none have pulled a Titanic.
So, enjoy your cruise. Just watch out for icebergs!
X:
Iceberg, right ahead!!
Marty:
That’s not funny, X. On my last Disney cruise we nearly hit a head of lettuce. Fortunately, it turned into a seagull and flew off just in time. We celebrated in a deck party with Mickey, Minnie, Bugs Bunny, Harry Potter, and Teddy Roosevelt.
That… might have been a dream I had.
Harriet:
Just don’t go on the White Star Line. There are already enough people there without you.
Walt:
Hi Edward, thanks for asking.
I was just discussing this with Baby Yoda. I think he summed it up best.
Baby Yoda:
Walt:
Hahaha, yes yes, that certainly was entertaining. Thanks again for the brilliant insight! You’re my favorite team member, just don’t tell the other guys.
Marty:
Wait, what?
X:
Marty, that’s a really strange dream. Why is it that dreams about boats are often strange? As a matter of fact, last night I had the strangest dream – I sailed away to China, in a little rowboat to find you. You said you had to get your laundry clean.
Walt:
In all fairness, X, Chun Li is the only person we know who can get THAT stain out. Plus his Orange Chicken is to die for!
Ub:
Hi Loren, and thanks for asking the (Step) Moms.
The first thing you need to know about cruising is that you’re never, ever safe. You never know when Jack Sparrow might pull up alongside your ship and ask for your gold.
Now, it’s my understanding that Disney Cruise Line has an agreement with the Black Pearl so that that doesn’t happen. But I’ve also heard talk that Disney is looking into a submarine cruise, and I’m looking forward to that. I’ve heard they might be running tests using the Wonder, so I’d wade carefully onto that boat.
Otherwise, you should be fine.
Now, there is an advantage to being on a cruise ship that sinks over the Jungle Cruise. On a cruise ship, you shouldn’t need a tetanus shot afterward.
Hope that helps!
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