Top 13 things Six Flags parks are doing to compete with Disney

Can Six Flags overtake Disney? (We’ll wait while you wipe the soda off your screen.)

What is it with America’s non-existent love affair with Six Flags? Truly, they are the parks you visit when you can’t afford Disney. The good news for them is that soon, no one will be able to afford Disney! (Thanks, Bob!)

But can Six Flags really ever compete with Disney parks? Here’s some things they’re trying, according to our always-reliable inside sources:

An ad campaign highlighting that Speedy Gonzales, also a mouse, is Latino.

Showing that Six Flags is more woke than Disney!

Building a park in Escanaba.

If it’s good enough for Disney, Six Flags can make it work cheaper!

New park music by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Everyone loves Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Adding Whack-A-Chapek games.

This will definitely attract Disney fans. And Cast Members.

Building a park in Pyongyang.

If it’s good enough for Disney, Six Flags can make it work cheaper!

Adding a barbershop trio that performs near the park entrance.

Not a quartet. Gotta save money somehow.

NOT introducing their own version of Genie and Genie+.

They should gain a lot of customers with this move alone.

Converting an old Motel 6 in San Antonio to become Spaceballs: Galactic Winnebago Experience.

Sign us up! And we probably won’t have to sell any body parts to afford it!

Renaming all CEOs, potential CEOs, employees to Bob.

Frankly, we think they can do better.

Moving a park to Texas.

If it’s good enough for Disneyland, Six Flags can do it cheaper!

Creating a park where the ideas of the park and the utilidors are reversed.

Underground rides sound awesome.

Loosening the restraints on their roller coasters.

Now you can add actual risk to the thrills!

Finally, not costing your life savings to vacation there. 

Quite the radical concept. Chapek never would have thought of this.

Walt, Ub, X & Marty all contributed to this article, so we have plausible deniability about any particular item.

You’re as excited as we are about the Spaceballs hotel, right? Let us know in the comments below!

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Cover photo: Entrance to Disney Six Flags. Photo by Jeremy Thompson [CC BY 2.0] via Flickr.