Disney’s hyperexpensive hyperspace hotel shuts down! Who could have seen that coming?
WALT DISNEY WORLD, FL – It was a bold vision, even for Disney: create a Star Wars multiday experience so real, so immersive, that nerds worldwide would empty their bank accounts, drain their 401K’s, and decide their kids didn’t really need to go to college after all. It was Disney’s Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser, a landlocked Florida hotel themed as an instellar cruise ship, complete with cruise ship prices.
And just a year after it opened, Disney will be sending it to the interstellar scrap yard, after its last booked “sailings” in September.
We at Uncle Walt’s Insider know Disney isn’t just going to tuck in their mouse tail and admit failure. After all, they’re still claiming all is well after their stock tanking, big-budget movies fizzling, and thousands of Cast Member layoffs. “Never give up, never surrender!” [Ed.: Yeah, Galaxy Quest is a Dreamworks property; we just thought we’d honor Disney’s kick lately of not doing anything, you know, new and creative.]
So how exactly will Disney turn the Galactic Starcruiser into a new, successful profit center? Here are our suggestions:
A completely immersive, multiple day experience in the Star Wars universe!
Oh, wait.
Storage for legal documents in their fight against Florida Governor DeSantis.
They do need lots of space.
Hear us out: a completely immersive, multiple day experience in the Star Wars universe that doesn’t require a second mortgage to pay for.
We know, we’re talking crazy talk now.
Office space since the Lake Nona project isn’t happening.
Totally DeSantis’ fault, even though Bob “Bob” Iger was opposed to the project from the start.
Some completely unnecessary IP-based attraction that would really be better off located somewhere else.
In other words, business as usual.
Walt Disney World Hospice and Funeral Home
A perfect home for Disney’s Magical Funerals®.
A new indoor venue for the Spirit of Aloha show.
It’d be a bit of a hike from Disney’s Polynesian Village Resort.
Hear us out: Disney’s Magical Red Light District.
Guaranteed moneymaker, though you’ll never look at Minnie or Daisy the same way again.
The return of The Adventurer’s Club.
We don’t really care where Disney brings it back. But it needs to come back.
Star Wars: Derelict – a journey to an abandoned ghost spaceship.
Surely they could charge less for this.
Another fricking parking lot they can charge $45/day to use.
You just know this is the idea they’ll choose.
And saving the best for last: Spaceballs: The Hotel!
Make this happen yesterday, Bob.
The article credit says Marty, but several UWI writers contributed. So don’t blame him.
What would you do with the Galactic Starcruiser? Let us know in the comments below!
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Cover photo: Apparently they misplaced the “reopening soon” sign. Photo via DailyWire, clipartmax.
