Uncle Walt's Insider outbreak Archives - Page 3 of 6

A future Disneyland guest. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Newsom: Disneyland can reopen if guests are frozen in carbonite for at least 14 days

The Science® says the virus won't survive the freezing process. Probably. Maybe. SACRADEMENTO, CA -- Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Hypocrite) issued new guidelines for theme park reopening in California today. Disneyland can reopen to any guests who have been frozen in carbonite for at least 14 days. Admission preference will be given to anyone frozen since 2018 or earlier. Disney has begun signups on its park website for the freezing process, and is free to Platinum Annual Passholders and members of Club 33. Are you ...

Of all the color-coded maps of the United States, this is definitely the most recent! Image by Marty, used (inexplicably) without permission.

INSIDER EXCLUSIVE: What this map of United States reveals is shocking

All the other websites have maps. Why not us? UNCLE WALT'S INSIDER H.Q., SVALBARD -- In what can only be described as "shocking" (it's right there in the headline, see?), a new map of the United States of America provides amazing insight into our current condition. Uncle Walt's Insider is the only place you will see this information, at least until Snopes tries to fact-check us again. "As you can see, there are many different colors on the map," said Marty Ralks, creator ...

December 5, 2020 by Marty in Spotlight

We're already sick... of each other. Quarantine sign [CC0] via Pixabay.

Uncle Walt’s staff in quarantine after going viral

We're at an elevated risk, since we go viral so rarely. UNCLE WALT'S INSIDER H.Q., SVALBARD -- The entire staff of Uncle Walt's Insider has been quarantined in our Svalbard headquarters after one of our articles went viral recently. As mentioned by completely non-political and unbiased website Snopes [Ed.: remember, we are satire.], a recent article we wrote was shared around the world and viewed millions of times. [We think it was the one about Six Flags opening a Hall of Vice Presidents. ...

September 21, 2020 by Marty in Other

Remember, it all started with a mouse. Photo by Olivier Bruchez [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Flickr.

Marty’s trip report: Disneyland, August 2020

Come along with Marty as he visits Walt's original Magic Kingdom! UNCLE WALT'S INSIDER H.Q., SVALBARD -- I'm so excited! Our boss is normally pretty tight on money, but after we grumbled about his visiting Walt Disney World recently, he's opening up the purse strings! He said that if I can get myself from Svalbard to Anaheim, he'll pay for any available Disneyland admission pass, up to five days!! Also, I get to write in the first person! Days 1 & 2 It's a grueling ...

August 19, 2020 by Marty in California, World

The only symptomatic dwarf. Photo © Disney.

Seven Dwarfs quarantined; only one is symptomatic

He's been "sneezing like crazy." BURBANK, CA -- In a statement released today, the Disney Company announced that all seven dwarfs have been quarantined after possible exposure to COVID-19. Only one is showing any symptoms of the virus. Citing medical privacy laws, the company refused to provide the identity of the symptomatic character. However, they did say he has been "sneezing like crazy." There have been no test results to confirm that the symptoms were caused by the virus. The unnamed individual is ...

August 4, 2020 by Marty in California, Florida, Other