The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step)Moms: This is kind of theme park-related, since there’s a movie theater at Disney Springs. When you go to a movie theater and the seats have armrests, which one is yours and which your neighbors?” – Laura M, Henderson NV
Walt:
Hi, Marty, thanks for asking.
As I’ve told you time and time again, they are both mine, no matter which side you sit on. I like to be comfortable when I see a movie, and that means taking up both armrests. Stop with the fake names on these questions already. I told you the doors always open, cause there is no door! We’re all the same room!
Marty:
Why would I make up questions? We’re flooded with more questions than we can possibly ever use. All by people who click THIS LINK to send us real questions. That’s all it takes — just click THIS LINK.
Anyway, you’re perfectly welcome to any armrest, as long as I’m not using it first. And I’m always using it first. You know, this wouldn’t be an issue if you’d put an empty seat between us. It’s not like the Svalbard AMC is ever packed!
Ub:
Hello, Larry. Thanks for writing the (Step)Moms.
It may seem simple at first, but there’s actually some calculus involved, which includes such unexpected items as the width of two horses’ rear ends, train tracks, and the elevation of Mount Everest.
You see, when you sit down in a seat and want the armrest, you have to start with noting the wind direction, as well as whether your seat was assigned to you. If your seat was assigned, then you get the armrest to the right. However, if there is a breeze, then you get the one to the left.
Of course, when you consider the width of railroad tracks, then maybe you don’t get an arm rest at all, and that’s all because the railroad tracks were designed to match the width of the wheel ruts on ancient Roman roads, because chariots were pulled by two horses. Which is also why the Solid Rocket Boosters on the Space Shuttle were the width they were, so that they could fit through railroad tunnels on their way to Cape Canaveral.
Doesn’t it always come down to a horse’s rear end?
Hope that helps!
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There aren’t enough armrests there without you.
X:
It’s just like on an airplane. Whoever gets there first claims the armrest.
Marty:
That’s an entirely different issue, X. The flight attendants tell you – every time – that you have to sit in a seat. You can’t just sit on the armrest.
Baby Yoda:
Marty:
Exactly.
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