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Emperor Palpatine, before he died. We think. Photo © Lucasfilm.

Emperor Palpatine died of Covid-19

In spite of what you think you saw onscreen, he had Covid in his blood at time of death. BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU -- A short statement released by the First Order confirms what many outlets have been reporting: Emperor Palpatine is dead from the coronavirus. The statement is below. The statement "The First Order sadly announces that our beloved Emperor Palpatine's passing was due to complications of Covid-19. "While it is true he engaged in a glorious battle with a talentless young girl, only to ...
July 28, 2020 by Walt in California, Florida, Other
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We're disappointed. We thought we'd be able to see the potato. Photo [CC0] via Pikist.

Potato cam, more coming soon to Disney+

The scratchy VHS transfer of Phantom should bring in a lot of new subscribers! BURBANK, CA -- Following an increase in subscriptions, likely due to the release of Hamilton, Disney+ has announced several new titles which will be added in the coming months. (For those of you who have been hiding under a rock, Disney+ is Disney's streaming service where you can stream movies, TV movies, and ... yeah, that's about it.) A bulleted list! Here are some of the highlights that have been ...
July 11, 2020 by X in Other
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Meet Mickey's new voice! Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr, & Pxhere.

BREAKING: Disney animal characters will only be voiced by actual animals

It's only right. BURBANK, CA -- As you may have read, Disney property The Simpsons will now have characters voiced only by actors of the same race as their fictional counterparts. Apart from the company scrambling to find yellow actors, they now say that they are extending the policy to non-human characters. Yes, from now on, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and other beloved Disney characters will only be voiced by animals. Sources say the company is struggling to find a man-dog hybrid to ...
June 30, 2020 by Marty in Other
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Covie, starring in Disney-Pixar's "VIRAL" in 2021. Photo by Mikhail Denishchenko [CC0] via publicdomainpictures.net, modified.

Pixar announces 2021 coronavirus-themed film: “VIRAL”

It's the story of a misunderstood virus just wanting to be loved. EMERYVILLE, CA -- Disney Pixar Studios has announced a new feature film release for 2021: "VIRAL."  A press release for the film describes the protagonist as "Covie, a young virus struggling with loneliness, in a world that wants nothing to do with him." Covie "once had a beloved friend and host, an elderly food stall vendor in an unnamed eastern country." [Ed.: He dies in the first ten minutes, right? Dang it, ...
June 10, 2020 by Marty in Other
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Goofy, shortly after being appointed CEO. We're assuming Toon Town is in shambles now. Photo by Loren Javier [CC BY-ND 2.0] via Flickr.

Mickey’s retirement lasts less than one day

Goofy wasn't fit to be Disney CEO. His name isn't Bob. BURBANK, CA -- Mickey Mouse is back. After announcing his retirement yesterday, the Mouse "pulled an Iger" and announced his unretirement today. No formal reason was given. A source tells Uncle Walt's Insider, however, that Goofy was a "disaster." Anonymous sources  Minnie Our source, who wished to remain anonymous, giggled and said, "My sweetheart just was made to be the head guy. Everyone loves Mickey!" "Oh, sure, everyone loves Goofy, too, but not in the ...
June 6, 2020 by Marty in Other, World
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