Here’s all you need to know about the return to Walt’s original park!
ANAHEIM, CA — Thanks to fake Biden’s executive order and impenetrable mask breakthroughs, Disneyland may actually reopen soon! So we thought we’d share with you what to expect when you return to Disneyland. Buckle in, and away we go!
We hate to show any disrespect to Nature’s Most Perfect Snack®, but that last batch of churros was made over a year ago. Expect them to be… well, let’s just say, “chewy.”
Millions of feral cats
With no guests around, the feral cats have had the run of the park. We figure there’s going to be a lot of them. Please, though, only one cat per row on most attractions.
Very hungry pigeons
Keeping with the wildlife theme, there have been no guests around to feed the pigeons, or to drop crumbs. And pigeons have too much dignity to eat a stale churro. Expect them to be aggressive — like, Tippi Hedren aggressive.
Very hungry Cast Members
Also, there have been no guests around to feed the Cast Members, or to drop crumbs. Expect them also to be Tippi Hedren aggressive.
We’re sure the newly-rehired Cast Members have been working overtime to clear out the tumbleweeds, but there’s bound to be a few remaining.
Disney has used the downtime to update several of its older attractions to “freshen them up.” In addition to the loop added to it’s a small world, Dumbo now spins clockwise, the Jungle Cruise includes actual animals, and Space Mountain has had its shell removed, making it an outdoor coaster.
Incredible deals on 2020 merchandise
Not all our predictions are negative! We expect that Disney will be running some incredible clearance sales on all “Disneyland 2020” merch. Get it while you can!
The park is now in Texas
This never gets old.
What did we miss? Let us know in the comments below!
Cover photo: Will we always be able to date photos as before or after 2020 by the presence of masks? We hope not. Photo [CC0] via Wikimedia.