It’s 100% effective at stopping the virus, and can be made with common household materials.
COLLEGE STATION, TX — This may be the break Disneyland officials have been waiting for! Researchers at the Texas A&M University Department of Biotechnology and Concrete Husbandry have announced a new masking solution that is 100% effective at preventing the spread of Covid-19.
“It’s so simple, we don’t know why we didn’t think of it before,” says A&M (the college) spokesperson Jun Aggie (no relation). “We’ve been using the wrong materials in our masks all this time!
“All we need to do to stop the virus in its tracks is to use a non-porous material, like the plastic in a heavy-duty trash bag. Then seal that off at the edges with duct tape, and BOOM! No virus can get in or out.”
Aggie (no relation) was excited about the breakthrough. “We’ve tested it on hundreds of individuals, mostly freshmen. Not only have none of them become ill, there was not a single transmission of the virus to others from those in the test group. It’s completely effective!”
If the material is non-porous, we wondered, doesn’t that mean oxygen can’t get through either?
“Yes,” Aggie (no relation) admitted, “that is one of the side effects. In fact, everyone in the test group died. But they didn’t die of Covid, and that’s what matters!”
Disney officials admit to being aware of this new system’s little drawback, but that hasn’t stopped them from sending these new masking materials to Sacramento for Governor Newsom and the California legislators to try.
You do realize this is a joke, right? Please do not make a face mask out of trash bags and duct tape.
NO, REALLY. DO NOT DUCT TAPE PLASTIC OVER YOUR NOSE AND MOUTH.
Cover photo: A new, simple, Covid-19 prevention mask (IT’S A JOKE, PEOPLE). Photo courtesy Texas A&M University, maybe.