(Step)Moms Panel: What do you think of all the theme parks leaving California?

The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]

“Dear (Step)Moms: What do you think of all the theme parks leaving California? How do I we they stop them from leaving?” – Gavin N., Sacramento CA

Walt:

Hi Glen, thanks for asking.

I once made the mistake of letting Harriet borrow my car. I hadn’t seen it for around two years.

Then one day I found it while I was on a walk. It had a metal boot on one of the tires, I couldn’t move it. Maybe you could try that?

Marty:

Dear Governor, on a recent visit to your state, a palm tree attacked me. True story. I was walking down Wilshire Boulevard, minding my own business, when a palm tree viciously dropped a dead leaf on my head.

I haven’t been back to California since — except to go to Disneyland. And I now I don’t have to go there to do that!

I realize that I didn’t actually answer your question. I don’t care. Good luck!

Harriet:

Just stay in California. There are already enough whackos outside your state.

Ub:

Gavin, I am going to attempt this without cussing at you. You have no idea how difficult that is. And that’s also why I am running against you. I think.

For many years before you were ever a twinkle in your father’s eye — and by the way, he [redact] REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED[/redact] [Marty, don’t you dare redact that!] — theme park migration had been a part of life. They migrated from California through Nevada, to Montana and Michigan, through Ohio (because let’s face it, Cleveland needs something nice once in a while), and on to Scranton, PA, then heading south into Virginia, Georgia, and Florida before starting back west.

But you, with your [redact]CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED[/redact] theme park policies, killed all of that. Before you were even born. How does that feel?

And that is why I am running for office.

Baby Yoda:

Marty:

Exactly.

X:

[is off working on a answer that won’t make the CA government look as bad]

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