It’s the ultimate battle for the top spot at Disney!
DISNEYLAND, DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KALIFORNIA — It’s finally here! Earlier we reported that Disney would be looking at internal candidates to replace Bob Iger as the CEO. And then we announced that it had been narrowed down to two candidates.
We can now report that, just before publication, we watched the live stream of the two final candidates. Rather than just tell you the outcome, as a service to you, here is a word-for-word recreation of what happened, so you can experience this epic moment in Disney history!
Setting the scene
The final “interview” took place at Sleeping Beauty Castle in Disneyland. A small stage had been erected in front of the castle. Seated on the stage were four people. Disney CEO Bob “Bob” Iger, Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation), actor Donald Glover, and Disneyland custodian “Enya” who usually works in New Orleans Square. Also on the stage was a deejay hiding behind his equipment rack, and two microphone stands at center stage.
Jun Disney (no relation) stood to address the crowd.
Disney (no relation): “To all who come to this happy place, welcome. Like a grand and miraculous spaceship, the Walt Disney Company has sailed through the universe of time, and for a brief moment, we have been among its many passengers. We have gathered here today, as people of all lands have gathered for thousands and thousands of years before us, to witness a tremendous spectacle. Today, we are honored to present the final interview for the next CEO of The Walt Disney Company. And now, to tell us a little more about today’s interview, here is Bob ‘The Second Coming of the First Bob’ Iger, current CEO.”
Iger: “Thank you Jun. Today’s interview will be somewhat unique. Rather than a traditional stuffy interview in a boardroom, we have decided to do a live interview here, at Disneyland, where members of the public such as yourselves (gestures at audience) will be able to witness everything that happens. We have a panel of four judges, and the four of us will combine to select the next CEO of The Walt Disney Company. You’ve already met Ms. Disney (no relation), and myself. Our two remaining judges are actor Donald Glover, who also raps under the stage name of Childish Gambino, and Enya, who is a custodial hostess here at the Disneyland Resort. Enya, if you will?”
Enya: “Hello everyone. I’m not really sure why I’m here. They told me to come sweep the stage, and when I got here, they gave me a chair and a microphone, and told me to just hang out for a little bit. I think it’s Donald’s turn to talk.”
Glover: “Thank you Enya. I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here. Well, I’ve been in several Disney movies, and have also had a somewhat successful career as a rap musician. Why is that important? Well, because today’s interview will be in the format of a rap battle. [Ed.: Called it.] That’s right. We’re going to get our two candidates up on stage here, and have them rap for the right to be the CEO.”
Iger: “And now, without any further ado, let me introduce you to the candidates. Put your hands together for … “
(Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck appear from behind a curtain)
Iger: “Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck! Let’s get this going! Deejay, can we have a beat?”
(The deejay presses some buttons, and a funky beat starts.)
“I’m the OG, the one and only,
Been around since the 20s, you can’t outdo me.
I’ve got the ears, the style, the class,
I’m the boss of Disney, you can kiss my mouse ass.“
[The crowd cheers, but Donald Duck isn’t impressed. He steps up to the mic and spits his bars.]
“You may be the OG, but I’m the new wave,
I’m the king of the ducks, you’re just a mouse slave.
I’ve got more swag, more style, more flair,
I’m the one that’s gonna take this company somewhere.”
[Mickey Mouse isn’t backing down. He steps back up to the mic and fires back.]
“You may be a duck, but you’re no match for me,
I’m the CEO, you’re just a wannabe.
I’ve got the brand, the legacy, the fame,
I’m the king of Disney, and you’re just a lame.”
[Donald Duck isn’t fazed. He steps up to the mic and hits back even harder.]
“You may have the brand, but I’ve got the skills,
I’m the one that brings in all the big bills.
I’m the face of Disney, the one that people love,
I’m the real CEO, and you’re just a glove.”
[The crowd goes wild, and the judges can’t make a decision. In the end, they both become co-CEOs of The Disney Company, and the crowd erupts in cheers.]
“I guess we’ll just have to share the crown,
We’ll run this company, and take it to new grounds.
Together we’ll create magic, and make dreams come true,
Because when it comes to Disney, there’s no one better than me and you.”
[The two Disney icons exit the stage, arm in arm, as the crowd cheers on the new co-CEOs]
Aww! A saccharine ending worthy of a Disney film! What do you think? Comment below!
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