Looks like we can unlock the stalls with our Magic Bands!
BR’ER BANK, CA — Disney Grand Pooh-bah Bob “Bob” Chapek has found a new way to
gouge guests raise revenue and please shareholders.
“Some of our executives thought we were running out of ways to bilk our… I mean, encourage spending in Disney parks,” Chapek told Uncle Walt’s Insider in an interview that we totally did not make up. “We’ve taken away free MagicBands, Fastpasses, luggage pickup and delivery, airline check-in and baggage handling, Disney’s Magical Express, churros. We’ve raised the price of theme park admission, resort hotel stays, special events, food and drinks. And the execs actually thought there weren’t any other options left to us!
“Well, stand aside, amateurs,” Chapek grinned, “and watch the master at work.”
We’ll need more shiny dimes
In a move sure to frustrate many guests, especially the incontinent ones, Disney parks will soon be installing pay toilets worldwide. We reached out to our usual source, Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation), for additional details.
“We know that pay toilets fell out of favor in the past,” Disney (no relation) told us. “But our recent experience shows that Disney fans will pay more for anything and everything, especially if we slap a Mickey on it or something. And we’ve addressed some of the biggest objections to the scheme.”
Well, this is reassuring?
How can this possibly be implented fairly, we wondered? Disney (no relation) was quick to reassure us.
“First, there will be none of the gender discrimination that used to occur when men could use free urinals while women had to use the pay stalls. We’ll be putting all of the urinals in stalls also!
“And guests can rest assured that they will never have to pay to use the bathroom. We’ll be putting the meters on the inside of the stalls. They’ll just have to pay to get out!”
Care to guess what happens if you refuse to pay to get out? Let us know in the comments below!
Cover photo: It has a Mickey on it! We’ll pay!! Photo by Jrobertiko [CC BY-SA 3.0] via Wikimedia Commons