The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: Your article on Saturday was a report from your so-called ‘Uncle Walt,’ claiming he was still touring Walt Disney World. What kind of idiots do you think we are? The parks are shut down. He’s not really still in WDW, is he?” – A Skeptic, Burbank CA
Marty:
Dear Bob, you raise an interesting point. But your question, ‘what kind of idiots do you think we are?,’ assumes that we only think you are a single kind of idiot. There are many kinds of idiots, and we would never assume our readers fall only into one category.
Baby Yoda:
Walt:
Hi Alan, thanks for asking.
Yes, it is true that I am still touring Walt Disney World, and enjoying it’s many attractions. See, Disney said they would close the parks, and continue to pay the Cast Members. You didn’t expect the Cast Members to just sit around at home?
No, things are normal, minus the guests. I would write more, but my boarding group has been called for Rise of the Resistance! Again. Third time today!
Marty:
I’m told that my answer above was a bit insulting. Walt actually interrupted his vacation to call me and chew me out. He reminded me that no matter how true it is or how firm our beliefs, we should never, ever, call our readers ‘idiots’ outside of UWI staff meetings.
Sorry. Please ignore what I wrote.
Ub:
[Is self-quarantining. Not that he’s sick; we were just tired of him and asked him to. You’re welcome.]
X:
We can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the information requested but, hypothetically, if such data were to exist, the subject matter would be classified, and could not be disclosed.
Marty:
Okay, I must have stepped in it again, because I got another call from Walt. Apparently I’m never supposed to reveal our staff discussions where we call our readers ‘idiots.’ So pretend that didn’t happen.
The official public position of the UWI staff is that only a certain percentage of our readers are idiots. Mostly the ones still writing us to ask if the Disneyland Escanaba story is true.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. Uncle Walt is there without you.
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