The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: Any news on the new Disney park coming to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula? It’s been over a year since it was announced, but I haven’t heard any updates.” – Erik Nurmi, Escanaba, MI
Walt:
Hi Rik, thanks for asking.
Ground broke last week, it was all over the news. You should really pay attention to current events. Also, Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
Marty:
You know, I first took the news of Disneyland Escanaba as a hoax, even though it was published on a reliable news site like Uncle Walt’s Insider. I know, what was I thinking?
But then I saw that Snopes ‘debunked’ the Uncle Walt’s article. And we all know how unreliable Snopes is, right? So I figure, if Snopes says it’s false, it must be true! So hang in there and don’t stop believing!
Ub:
Hello Erik, and welcome to the (Step) Moms Panel!
Summertime in Escanaba is a wonderful time of the year, but wintertime is a truly magical time there as well. At least, that’s what my friends from there say, though I find it strange that they want to spend their winters in Florida.
Huh.
Anyway, despite what Marty says, I don’t think the snow and ice will actually get in the way of the Escanaba Splash Mountain functioning properly. They’ll just have to heat the water to above freezing, and the logs will still slow now as they should at the end of the drop, which plans show will be even steeper than at Disneyland. We at the Uncle Walt’s (Step) Mom’s Panel are super excited to watch riders take that plunge in January and take bets on who survives. Action Park will have nothing on the shock value!
X:
Marty, I know you love Journey, but that song is about a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit — which is nowhere near Escanaba.
(Holds up hand, points toward the base of the thumb) Detroit is here. (Points to empty space above the top of the gap between the ring finger and pinky) Escanaba is here.
That song has nothing to do with the new Disney park, which is scheduled to open in 2025.
[Marty: waves back.]
[Ub: plays the air guitar solo.] [Ed.: …badly. Very badly.]
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