The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step)Moms: I live in the center of the country (America). There aren’t any Disney parks within driving distance. Should I build my own? How should I start?” – Pat C., Sterling CO
Walt:
Hi Sterling, thanks for asking.
I would first with selecting a large area of land. Now, I highly recommend you get way more land than you need. Now you’re going to need lots and lots of building permits, probably easier to setup your own municipality of sorts to make things easier. That’ll take you a while to get started, so come back when you’ve made it that far and we’ll tell you the rest.
Marty:
Walt, why did you wait to run this question until after you’d bought up lots of cheap property near Sterling, Colorado?
Walt:
“Colorado”? You making up names again?
Marty:
Like you’re the one to talk, “Walt Yensid.”
Walt:
Do you wanna take this outside, RALKS? Seriously, it’s beautiful outside today.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Ilitch Gardens. There are enough people there without you.
X:
Umm, Harriet … I think you meant Elitch Gardens. That’s the theme park in Denver. Ilitch is the family that owns Little Caesars, the Detroit Red Wings, and the Detroit Tigers. [Ed.: Don’t get me started on that cookie-cutter monstrosity that now bears the once-noble name of ‘Elitch Gardens.’]
Anyways, where were we? Oh yes, things to do in Colorado. I highly recommend taking in a hockey game at Cadet Ice Arena, on the grounds of the US Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. It’s a wonderful little venue.
Ub:
Hi Connie! Thank you for contacting my campaign office.
If you go to my website and check out my platform, you’ll see that theme parks are a very important thing to me, and an important part of society. That’s why when I am elected, I am going to introduce the ATPOTIES bill – A Theme Park Or Two In Every State. I started with ATPIES, A Theme Park In Every State, which would have been tastier, but I was struck with a higher calling. I am also thinking of shortening it to Parks In Every State – The PIES Act. Yum.
So make sure and vote for me, so that you can have a theme park within driving distance, as well as more pie.
Ub Skrewi. Let Me Solve All of Your Problems.
Baby Yoda:
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