Can you gamble on a movie flopping? Because we’d take this bet.
BR’ER BANK, CA — After multiple bid-budget theatrical releases losing money this year, and with declining theme park attendance, the Disney Company announced this week that they are just giving up on making money.
The announcement came in the form of still images from the upcoming Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs remake. From the images, and interviews with various actors and screenwriters, it appears that many significant changes have been made to the original story, apparently with the express purpose of making the film lose money at the box office.
“Snow White” (a character named for the color of her skin in the source fairy tale) is played by Hispanic actress Rachel Zegler, for no clear story-driven reason. The seven dwarfs (dwarves?) have not only been erased from the title, six of them have been erased from the movie. Based on the photos, some on Twitter have referred to the remake as Snow White and the Multiethnic Portland Hipsters or Snow White and the Free Needle Exchange Program.
Collateral damage
The change in the title character’s companions seems to have been driven by a complaint from actor Peter Dinklage (who somehow thought the original film featured “magical creatures” “living in a cave,” instead of seven hard-working miners who share a house). Net result: Dinklage (approx. net worth: $25M) caused Disney to erase six of seven choice roles for up-and-coming little people actors (net worth: considerably less than $25M).
Co-screenwriter Greta Gerwig also announced that the revised story would eliminate the role of Prince Charming, and feature Snow White as a stronger character who dreams of becoming a leader. Now there’s a formula that has led to incredible box office success!
But what’s in it for the shareholders?
“Screw the shareholders,” says Disney (the company) spokesperson Jun Disney (no relation). “At least, that’s what I hear being yelled from behind closed doors at President-for-Life Bob ‘Bob‘ Iger’s offices. The company is all-in on messaging over profit. It’s not our fault that the message is one the public doesn’t want to pay to hear.”
In a way, Disney (no relation) explains, the current strategy honors the company’s founder and namesake, Walt Disney:
“It is a tribute to Walt! Because before long the stock market will be singing, ‘Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a share!’“*
* Joke blatantly stolen from Sarah D at Twitchy. We would have gotten there ourselves eventually, but kudos for beating us to it!
What other changes could they make to drive company value down? Comment below!
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Cover photo: Surefire great success at box office! Photo credit: Daily Mail UK.
