BREAKING NEWS: UNCLE WALT’S INSIDER TO CLOSE PERMANENTLY

Not a surprise. No one’s gone there for weeks.

ANAHEIM, CA — The news that we all feared has come. Contrary to the ramblings of those know-nothing “(Step)Moms” yesterday, officials at the Uncle Walt’s Insider Company announced today that the Uncle Walt’s Insider will remain closed permanently.

Although the reason has not been announced, we suspect the closure is because Uncle Walt’s Insider has become extremely unpopular. No official numbers are available, but some sources are report that NO ONE has visited Uncle Walt’s Insider for almost two months!

Having started (and closed) several business ventures ourselves, we can tell you that it’s very difficult to stay in business without any income. [Ed.: Then how do you explain the continued existence of this website?] [Marty: Shut up.]

Is there another reason?

One unauthorized Twitter account claims the shutdown of Uncle Walt’s Insider has another reason. The message states that Uncle Walt’s Insider will remain closed because it “no longer belongs.” 

The tweets reminds us that Uncle Walt’s Insider was dedicated to “the ideals, the dreams and the hard facts that created America.” And apparently those ideals, dreams and hard facts have been suspended indefinitely in the state of “Kalifornia.”

Probably wise not to say that

Uncle Walt’s Insider co-CEO Bob “Robert” Chapek quickly put out a release saying Uncle Walt’s Insider will continue to remain shutdown forever. This will provide a “certain future for (their) Cast Members” and “the tremendous opportunity to join the bread lines with all of the other out of work Kalifornians.”

Upon witnessing the arrest, and immediate execution, of Elon Musk after he threatened to move Tesla to another state, Chapek also quickly dispelled any rumors that they may attempt to flee to another state in search of freedom, stating that their official position is whatever Emperor Newsom says it should be.

‘Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.” – Emperor Gavin Newsom (we think)

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Cover photo: Is this for real? We’ve been hacked, right? If we’re closing, shouldn’t someone tell the guy who does the cover photos? Photo [CC0] via Pxhere.