Walt: “Hey, Marty, can you make a cover image for a story on Bob Chapek replacing Jesus without being too blasphemous?” Marty: “Can I finally get paid for doing this?” Walt: “Ha ha ha ha ha! No.”
ORLANDO, FL– Disney has announced exciting plans to acquire and reopen the Holy Land Experience theme park!
In an all-cash deal valued at, oh, let’s round it up to $20, Disney will buy the property, buildings, and intellectual property associated with the park. (See our companion article: Does Disney now own the Bible?) Following the purchase, the Mouse will spend $2.4 Billion to replace all images, statues, animatronics, and souvenirs of Jesus with images of Disney CEO Bob “Bob” Chapek.
Story lines at the reopened park will remain mostly the same, with only slight changes to showcase Chapek’s miracle-working at the Disney Company: increased prices, charging for things that once were free, smaller food portions “to save our waistlines,” and turning Disney parks into exclusive resorts for only the wealthy elite (or families willing to mortgage their children’s future to meet Mickey Mouse).
Guests will also find many technological enhancements, similar to those at Walt Disney World, including an all-new exclusive add-on service to be called Genie†!
Look for the all-new Bob “Bob” Chapek’s Florida Adventure to open April 1, 2023.
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Cover photo: Hey, look! He’s even doing the two-finger point! Photo courtesy TripAdvisor, slightly (?) altered.