The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: I know you’re theme park ‘experts’, but I’m struggling with dealing with my kids’ schooling during this shutdown. Do you have any advice for me?” – Camille N., Wheat Ridge, CO
Walt:
Hi Carl, thanks for asking.
How exciting is it that you get to homeschool your children! I remember when my two girls were quite young. They would be at home while I was away, working on various projects and things. You see, I had a weekend day that was Daddy’s day. Despite any grief they gave their Mother during the week, this day was meant for fun. So I would take them to parks and such, where they could have fun and be kids. It was on these days where I found inspiration for what would be one of my greatest achievements.
So go ahead and book that vacation, you and your family deserve it! Be sure to try the veal, and remember to tip your waitress.
X:
Hi Chamomile.
Just put “The Imagineering Story” on repeat on Disney+. Imagineers are smart folks. Your kids will pick something up. I mean, not only did Joe Rohde design an incredible theme park, a broken yeti, and the greatest nighttime entertainment to ever grace the shores of Lake Buena Vista (the Adventurer’s Club), but his earring is running for president. You have to be intelligent to be president. Just look at … ehh, never mind.
Marty:
Hi Carny. I’m sorry, but I’m a bit hung up on your putting scare quotes around the word ‘experts.’ It’s almost as if you don’t take us seriously.
Anyway, we feel your pain. Baby Yoda’s been stuck here with us in our Svalbard headquarters, so we’ve been taking on his education. Our Uncle Walt tells him stories from the early days of Disneyland as if he were actually Walt Disney (guys, we really need to stage an intervention someday). X tries to persuade him to use the Force against the current U.S. administration. Ub tells him long, rambling stories that involve monorails and churros and have no real point. And I’ve taught him a variety of armpit noises. So basically, we do the same things real teachers do.
And then we remembered that the little tyke is actually 50 years old. So now he’s teaching us!
Baby Yoda:
Marty:
Yes, B.Y. Your armpit noises are superior to mine. I’ve already admitted that.
Anyway, Milly, that’s what I’d suggest. Find out if any of your children are older than you, and then put them in charge.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are enough viruses there without you.
Ub:
[Is off practicing his armpit noises.]
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