The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: Where is the restaurant in Disney World?” – Kumud, NJ
X:
I’m pretty sure that the Restaurant is at the End of the Universe. So, I would say you need some sort of interplanetary vessel to get there. I would recommend the X2 deep space shuttle. It’s powered by solid hydrogen, and can accelerate from 0 to 6000 in 60 seconds. So, when you hear the words “Go for launch” … you’ll definitely want to hang on.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
Ub:
Hey Jersey, and thanks for writing the actual (Step) Moms!
You ask where is the restaurant… the whole thing. The entire thing is one restaurant where you can pause eating to go wait in line for more food. One giant food court, where you get to pay for every sampling. And every move you make, every breath you take, every bond you break, every something or other they’ll be watching you. Watching for any chance to serve and charge you for more food. You can’t escape. And yes, when you don’t eat… their poor heart aches. Oh, and don’t fake any smiles.
But the restaurant is all around you, with a quick service line closer than the nearest trash can. Even now, ostensibly from your home, you are
Ub:
already at the Walt Disney World Resort and Restaurant.
You move from country to country, from stand to stand, and even in between countries they have other countries set up so that you have to do the sampling for exorbitant amounts of money. It would be obscene if it wasn’t at a family theme park.
So then the question is, what are you going to do to prepare?
Here at Uncle Walt’s, we suggest you begin by training with Joey Chestnut, who is capable of eating 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes, in 91-degree-
Ub:
weather at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, because if you’re going to try everything at the restaurant, you’re going to need to take on his style. If you manage to walk more than ten feet without a bite of food, you’re losing.
We also suggest you take out a loan, because by the time you try one of everything at the park and restaurant, you’ll easily shell out six figures.
Finally, as you can see, eating like this is something you’ll want to do alone, or you’ll have to multiply that six figures.
Now, when you go to casinos and drop tens of thousands of dollars at Baccarat, you’re called a “whale” or “big fish.” Incidentally, when you
Baby Yoda:
Marty:
I know, right?
Ub:
eat crazy amounts at the theme parks, you might get similar recognition, both for the amount of money you’re dropping on food, and for the fact that you will, in fact, be eating like a whale.
Hope that helps!
Marty:
Are you done now, Ub?
Hi, Kimmie!
Believe it or not, there is not just one restaurant at Walt Disney World! I think each of the five parks has their own now (Ristorante Alfredo in Yesterland is my current favorite!)
So that’s, what, five restaurants? And if you count the ones in Disney Springs and off-property, there’s probably close to a dozen!
Sorry I can’t be more specific. I usually just find a churro cart and camp out by it until the park closes.
Walt:
Hi Karl, thanks for asking.
The restaurant is located at the land inside the park. I suggest you order the appetizer, the entree, and the dessert. Oh, the cocktail is a must have as well! Enjoy the magical vacation!
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