The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: Everyone seems to be asking you questions about themselves and how this virus situation affects them. But I’m worried about you, the (Step) Moms. How are you doing?” – Lilyn R., Brunswick NJ
Hi Mom. I’ve told you, don’t write me at work.
Hi Lilyn. Thanks for asking, we appreciate your concern.
I’m almost out of my quarantine snacks – my 5 lbs. jar of animal crackers lasted longer than I thought it would, but I’ve only got 1 handful left. I’m also out of M&M’s and mini Hershey bars. But other than that, I’m good.
Those animal crackers were yours, X? Oh.
Just don’t go to Disneyland Wuhan. There are enough viruses there without you.
In times like this, it’s nice to have entertaining pets.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any pets.
And now I’m depressed.
Hi Marty’s Mom, thanks for asking!
(Don’t publish this part) – Thanks for the hand written note of encouragement. Your caligraphy skills are amazing! The homemade treats you sent are always appreciated as well. I know, you don’t want Marty to get jealous, so I’ve been using X’s snacks to throw him off. Marty gets so excited when he finds the “kitty cat” animal cracker. Okay, need to run, back to the article.
How exciting that you’re getting to stay home in quarantine! Here are some tips for your quarantine stay!
First, if you’re going to sneak snacks, the trick is to do it right after the person who owns said snacks takes some, then you come in and grab some. They aren’t paying attention to how much is actually left at that point, and then they go back, they think nothing of it! I’ve even snagged the last candy coated chocolates and tiny versions of larger chocolate bars in the recent past.
Next, beautifully hand written notes of encouragement to family members, both inside and outside (wink wink) the home, will keep everyone’s spirits up!
I like to cheer up the boys by showing them videos of entertaining pets and telling them they are mine. They bring a tear to Ub’s eye every single time. He’s so happy!
We hope you have a safe and magical quarantine.
Luckily, I have a secret stash of Cheez-It crackers that Marty and Walt don’t know about. [Ed.: Not anymore]
I knew about that stash too. Note the past tense. Won’t X be surprised!
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