The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: My son’s science teacher told them that coconuts are not native to the Caribbean. Is this true?” – Arthur K., Grand Cayman
X:
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Walt:
Hi Bea, thanks for asking.
While it is true that coconuts are not native to the Caribbean, they have taken root and grow well on the islands. Many scientific studies have been conducted on coconuts, down to the DNA level, to find out the origin. It is a fascinating topic to research on a deeper level, unfortunately I don’t have time to do your homework for you. While we’re dispelling myths, pineapples are not native to Hawaii. But the Churro is native to all Disney parks.
Ub:
Hello, Arthur.
Palm trees are a wonderful way of knowing that you’re getting closer and closer to Walt Disney World. The more palm trees you see, the closer you are. That’s one of my favorite things about driving I-95 once I get off the boat at Quebec. Someone tell Walt that I’d appreciate airfare next time, instead of riding a freighter. Sure, it saves money, but that’s quite a drive. When I see my first palm tree, it’s tradition that I climb it to look for a coconut. After all, USDA Agriculture Information Bulletin #22 says, “Palms are woody plants of varied habitat. Many of them are tall trees with a beautifully proportioned, symmetrical, unbranched trunk, crowned by a tuft of handsome featherlike or fan-shaped leaves.”
The coconuts were planted there. They weren’t planted somewhere else and then brought there. That’s absurd. So you might as well call those coconuts native!
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
Walt:
Ub is right about one thing: technically a coconut that is grown on the island is basically a native, but not indigenous to the island.
There are actually only two general classifications of coconut, the tall and dwarf. There are around 13 varieties of coconuts that fall into these two classifications. Due to the name, many people believe that the coconut is a nut, but in fact it is a drupe, not a true nut. Cocodrupe just doesn’t roll off the tongue as well.
Ub:
That’s Greek to me, dude.
Marty:
My Liege.
I’d love to answer your question, I can’t. I wasn’t there when coconuts started.
Ub:
Well, you see, Marty… when two coconut trees love each other very much, [REMAINDER OF RESPONSE REDACTED].
Marty:
You always retract the good stuff.
Ub:
That wasn’t me. It was our editor.
Ub:
By the way… who IS editing these articles?
Marty:
Huh, yeah. Who exactly do we have that edits our site? He’s really the one that should be named in the lawsuits against us. Someone needs to be held accountable.
Ub:
I guess that would be Walt, based on his apology a couple of weeks ago.
Marty:
I didn’t think Walt paid attention to what we write. If he does, I need to be more careful.
Ub:
Maybe we could have the readers edit for us.
Marty:
Better yet, maybe we could get them to write the articles to begin with.
Ub:
Hey! Now that’s a great idea!
Marty:
Back to the original subject, do you think maybe X wanted us to continue the dialog from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
Ub:
Ahem.
“What? A swallow carrying a coconut?”
Marty:
Give it up. There are already 19 replies to this question. Twenty if you count Harriet. (And not a single Moana reference in the bunch. Sad)
Ub:
Can I go get back under the bus that Walt threw me under two weeks ago? The engine block is still warm!
Walt:
We really need to get that bus into the shop. I keep hearing someone singing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…” while it’s going down the road. And Ub, you really need to wash the grease stains off your clothes, face, arms, etc. How did you get so dirty anyway?
X:
“And scene.”
(Curtains fall and house lights go up)
Ub:
(muffled) You know, I’m starting to like it under this bus.
Do you have a question for the Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel? Click here to submit a question.
Need more Uncle Walt’s in your life? Be sure to LIKE us on Facebook, FOLLOW us on Twitter, and tell everyone you know (plus a few strangers) how wonderful (and humble) we are!.
