Disney’s going all in on… whatever the latest thing is. Sorry, we haven’t read the article yet.
ANAHEIM, CA – The yearly D23 Expo in Anaheim is always the source of juicy news, and as usual, Uncle Walt’s Insider is full of it! Here are some of the biggest announcements from Disney this year:
TRON Lightcycle Run‘s opening day announcement date announced
The new Magic Kingdom attraction’s opening date will be announced by September 3 of next year! Or maybe that was when they will announce the actual announcement of the opening day.
Park admission rates will increase by 28%
This wasn’t stated clearly but, you know, Bob “Bob” Chapek is still CEO. So it stands to reason.
Moana’s Journey of Water canceled because guests’ phones might get wet
At least until Disney can add $60 themed waterproof phone pouches to Epcot’s shops.
John Lasseter returning to Pixar
What, did he sneak in on a studio tour?
Mickey Premium bars to be reduced in size by 28%
Conveniently, that just means making them without ears. And crossing the words “DQ Dilly Bar” off of the packaging.
Walt Disney World will move to Vatican City
Turns out this Florida “blessing of size” business just means a lot of swamp maintenance. No more!
Avatar: The Way of Water expansion coming to Pandora at Disney’s Animal Kingdom
It’s a more natural fit there. Animals don’t carry phones.
Uncle Walt’s Insider will finally receive an actual press pass
Proof that this article is satire.
Bob Chapek’s ego to be increased in size by 28%
Again, this is pretty standard. He’s been outpacing worldwide ego inflation for years.
New Avatar: The Way of Water Waterpark coming soon to Disneyland Resort
For just 28% over your park admission, you can insure your phone against water damage while you’re there.
Meet and Greet with Jek Porkins coming to Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge
Finally they get around to letting folks meet the real favorite from the Star Wars universe.
Full-sized Hulk character announced then withdrawn
He accidentally stepped on the full-sized Ant Man.
Finally, all future Disney shareholder meetings will begin with a gay kiss
This was a request, oddly enough, by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
Walt, Ub, X & Marty contributed to this article, so we have plausible deniability about any particular item.
Did we miss any other announcements? Let us know in the comments below!
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Cover photo: Not photoshopped. We use GIMP. Image by Disney. (Mostly.)