I only hope that we never lose sight of one thing: that it was all started in a Los Altos garage.
UNCLE WALT’S INSIDER H.Q., SVALBARD – Now that the news is official that Apple is buying Disney, we thought we’d assemble a panel of experts and deep thinkers to discuss the pros and cons of the buyout.
Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any experts and deep thinkers, so we had to come up with these ourselves. We’ll leave it to you to sort out which is “best” and “worst”:
Cast Members in all roles will be assigned black turtlenecks.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be recut so the apple is the hero of the story.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest fruit-branded corporation of them all?
Genie & Genie+ will “just work” and be more intuitive.
But not on Android devices.
Guest Relations will be replaced by the Genius Bar.
They will mock you in subtle ways to make you feel like it was your fault.
In-park announcements will be provided by Siri.
Half of the new announcements will be, “Sorry, I didn’t quite get that.”
Disney Dollars will be replaced with Apple Pay.
And you have to use an Apple Watch for tap-to-pay. No Magic Bands.
Minecraft Walt Disney World will be deleted from existence.
Not enough curves in the game.
Magic Kingdom’s Carousel of Progress will chart the evolution of Apple products from the 80’s until today.
There’s a great big beautiful (something, something) profit!
With both Apple and Disney’s commitment to the LGBTQLMNOP community, County Bear Jamboree will go through some changes.
Mama, go ahead and whup Little Buford. He enjoys it.
Savi’s Workshop will begin offering Light Saber Plus.
It has an additional 12 inches in length and more onboard memory, for just $400 extra.
The computer that runs Disney’s website will be downgraded to a Mac.
Don’t worry, the site will continue to be unstable and barely usable.
Everyone entering the Magic Kingdom will have to listen to U2’s new album.
Sorry, you can’t opt out.
The roughly three employees who managed to get a company Android-based phone issued to them will quit.
Or risk being branded as infidels. You know, more than they are now.
Imagineering’s role will change from true innovation to adapting what other entertainment companies are doing.
And then rolling out a better-functioning, more expensive version a few years down the road.
And finally: Stitch’s Great Escape will still be awful.
Yeah, nothing’s going to change that.
Walt, Ub, X & Marty all contributed to this article, so we have plausible deniability about any particular item.
Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments below!
Cover photo: Marty is always so happy when we can reuse an image! Photo [CC-BY-2.0] via eoi.es.