We pull back the curtain on our operations. You may regret it.
UNCLE WALT’S INSIDER H.Q. — Now that Uncle Walt’s Insider has had an article go viral (thanks again, Yoopers!) and been featured prominently on other websites such as Snopes and… well, just Snopes, our regular readership has doubled. [Ed.: Yep, up to four now!] So we thought we’d find a way to reward you all for your patronage. But then Marty suggested we just do a cheap behind-the-scenes article that wouldn’t cost us anything instead.
So here you go! This is a typical day at Uncle Walt’s headquarters:
7:30 a.m. – One of our professional building maintenance team members unlocks the front doors, turns on the lights, and prepares the building for our daily 8:00 opening time.
7:31 a.m. – The same maintenance guy sees Marty asleep on the couch with a “DO NOT WAKE BEFORE NOON” sign taped to his forehead, so he turns out the lights, backs out and locks the door.
10:22 a.m. – Walt arrives (early today!) and wonders aloud why the office isn’t open yet. Marty struggles to wake up, hides the “DO NOT WAKE” sign, and blames the maintenance staff.
11:00 a.m. – Daily staff meeting. Walt is the only one there. Marty has gone back to sleep.
12:40 p.m. – By now Ub has arrived (by train, which is weird, since we aren’t near a station. Or railroad tracks); Marty is at least upright, if not fully awake; and Walt claims to have seen X peering in the windows from the bushes outside. This is good enough to reconvene the daily staff meeting, until Ub points out that it’s lunch time.
3:20 p.m. – Lunch break over. We gather in the lavishly appointed conference room (which doubles as a public sauna on weekends) for the 11 a.m. daily staff meeting. Our meetings usually include talk of current sports, tax avoidance strategies, and X (when he shows up) waxing nostalgic about driving zambonis. Marty will doodle the whole time and not pay attention, and whenever there’s a lull in the chatter, Walt will jump in with, “There’s so much misinformation out there. We’re just doing what we can to help.” By mutual unspoken agreement, Harriet is never mentioned.
4:35 p.m. – The meeting adjourns when someone points out that there isn’t any article scheduled for tomorrow. Our staff members immediately start contacting our news sources, scouring the internet for information, and hitting the parks in search of breaking stories. Or we just make something up. Whichever is easier.
4:52 p.m. – With another brilliant article written and scheduled for publication, the Uncle Walt’s Insider staff celebrate our actual fifteen minutes of hard work by going out to eat. Separately.
And that’s it — a day in the life at the Uncle Walt’s headquarters! If you’re ever in the vicinity of our offices (currently located in Svalbard for tax reasons), pop in and say hi. Most of our days aren’t as busy as this one.
Could you handle this workload? Let us know in the comments below!
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Cover photo, of Uncle Walt’s Insider newsroom back in the heyday of the 1940’s; public domain, courtesy of Pixabay.