The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: I need to write a term paper for my philosophy class, and I’m struggling to find a topic. All of the good philosophical questions have been taken by other students. What do you suggest I write on?” – Kip Walker, Danbury, CT
Walt:
Hi Kat, thanks for asking. This is probably the most asked question we get. Our answer, is of course, The Churro.
Marty:
Hi there, Samantha. The Disney Dining Plan is certainly convenient, but whether it is a good value depends on your family’s eating habits. Do you typically splurge on every meal? Or do you, like me, eat nothing but churros while…
Hang on, I think I’ve mixed up my questions. I’ll get back to you.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
X:
Hi Kipp. When I find myself in times of trouble, my advisor comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, ‘Write in C’. And when we apply that to your situation, what it really means is that philosophy is not a useful major. Switch to something like computer science, before it’s too late.
Or, even better, forget about college and go to trade school instead. There is a shortage of workers in skill trades, and you can earn a very comfortable living. I’m serious. What are you going to do with a philosophy major, anyways?
Marty:
Okay, I think I have things sorted now.
Hi, Jeremy. Thanks for writing. Traveling with small children is always an adventure! Whether they are ‘old enough’ for Walt Disney World is always a personal…
Dang it, sorry. Hang on, I’ll get this figured out.
Ub:
Hi Kip, and thanks for contacting the (Step) Moms! August is a beautiful time of year at the Walt Disney World Resort – you’re sure not to experience the cold waves that come in January. In fact, some say the only time more beautiful is during May and Steptember when you can experience the joy of the love bug mating season! (Not a typo – I totally think we should name a month after our panel.)
Do you understand the connection between the writings of Plato and the animators at Disney? Have you ever noticed the correlation between the Texas law and the Magic Kingdom? For instance, the rail crews on the Walt Disney World Railway follow the law, “When two trains meat each other at a grade crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.”
Now, thankfully, this has not happened at the Magic Kingdom, because they studied the effects of the law in Texas where even today, thousands of trains dot the landscape face-to-face, where many have sat for decades, and they had to build sidings around them.
Maybe you’d rather write about the migratory patterns of ducks at Disney World. That’s a fascinating topic, including the way Cast Members have to replace ducks that are incidentally detonated during fireworks displays. This usually happens to newer ducks who skipped that day of training after Traditions.
Finally, I hesitate to suggest this one, because it’s simply dreadful and shocking. If you’re squeamish, you may not want to read this next part.
Did you know that there is a direct correlation between the oppressive regimes of the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh against Israel and the existence of cream-cheese-filled pretzels anywhere in the parks? I have to warn you, though, you’ll need to put a trigger warning on that one for mentioning cream-cheese-filled pretzels.
Good luck on your thesis. You’re going to need it!
Marty:
Okay, last try.
Steve, while there are plenty of nice and affordable hotels off-site, I can’t recommend staying on-property highly enough. There’s just something about being surround by that Disney magic 24/7 that off-property hotels cannot offer. And with a variety of value, moderate, and deluxe resorts, you’re bound to find a Disney Resort that fits your travel budget. Enjoy your trip!
Nailed it.
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