The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: The real Moms Panel ignores me whenever I ask this. Maybe you can help. How do I answer a kid (7 years old), in the parks, who asks if Mickey Mouse is real or just somebody in a costume?” – Sharon Garnett, Tampa, FL
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
Walt:
Hi Timmy, thanks for asking. Of course Mickey is in a costume.
When he is at home, he prefers to lounge in a relaxing pair of workout shorts, loose fitting t-shirt, and flip flops. When he is on-stage entertaining guests, he has to dress the part! Fantasmic wouldn’t be the same if MIckey showed up in his Gold’s Gym t-shirt, and Anaheim Ducks workout shorts, would it?
So just be honest, yes, Mickey wears costumes. He may be quite the character, but he’s really just like you and me.
Marty:
Dear Shane: “Real” Moms Panel? I’ll let that slide this one time, but you hurt Walt’s feelings.
Anyway, that’s a tough question. Obviously, you have to gauge the maturity of your child, and whether others within earshot can handle the truth. It’s scary for some people to come to grips that a six-foot-tall anthropomorphic rodent is real, but the sooner they accept that fact, the healthier they will be mentally.
If you like, you can borrow the touching words my own dear father said to me when I asked him the same thing many, many years ago: ‘Shut up and go hug the REDACTED thing. I paid a lot for this vacation.” Good times, good times…
Walt:
You know, I was going to ignore that “real mom” crack, but let me tell you something: it’s not easy stepping into a ‘blended’ family or whatever the so-called experts are calling mixed families these days. When I was a kid, we called it the Brady Bunch!
It’s not easy being a step-mom! First, while your ‘real’ mom is off in the Bahamas spending the divorce money (with that guy “Brett” that she met at CrossFit), your Dad and I are busting our hump so we can make sure you have a home to live in, food on the table, a nice vacation to the happiest place on the REDACTED planet, and a churro on every plate! I don’t see your ‘real mom’ cheering you on at your soccer game, sewing the eye back on your teddy bear, or chasing the squirrels out of the attic so they won’t keep you up at night.
We’re trying, okay? It’s not easy.
Marty: It’s okay, Walt, it’s okay. The mean lady was just being thoughtless. Go have a churro.
X:
Good advice.
Ub:
Hi Sharon, that’s a great question.
The difference between the other Mom’s Panel and here is that we’ve been trained so that when we’re answering questions over there, it’s actually a sales message, disguised as helpful information. For that, we actually have an article spinner we use that we just drop the keywords of the answer we want in, and it creates an answer for us.
Over here at the (Step) Mom’s Panel, we’re a little more free to give you the answers you need, which is why you should ignore the required red text at the top of this page and just listen to us. [Ed.: Please do not ignore the disclaimer.] In fact, they track our sales over there, and if our answers don’t sell enough of whatever it is that week, for instance this week it’s dining packages, we’re off the panel.
Over here, we track our effectiveness in, you guessed it, churro sales. We have a deal with the company that if you buy enough churros, they will allow our site – and the (Step) Moms Panel – to exist. So please, I’m begging you, buy lots and lots of churros. They’re a high-profit item for the company (but then so is everything else, or else they wouldn’t sell it) and our lifeblood. If you buy too many churros, if there ever was such a thing, you can send the leftovers to our PO Box at the bottom of this page.
Anyway, to get to your actual question. In Traditions, the company implores its minions to be very careful with this information. They don’t want kids knowing that often Mickey is out back decapitated and on fire. It happens more often than you would think. Of course, the way they don’t want it said in guest areas is, “Yeah, Mickey’s out back with his head off, smoking,” when he’s on break. Just like they don’t want you to know the founder of the company was a smoker, they also don’t want you to know that Mickey has such a dirty habit. But we’re willing to tell you here. Because I’m a journalismist and I’ll report the things no one else wants you to know. Even Marty.
There. I said it.
Marty: Dang, Ub, do you get paid by the word?
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