The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks. Each sack had seven cats. Each cat had seven kits. Kits, cats, sacks, and wives; how many were going to St. Ives?” – David J, Bolington Cross, England
Hi Dovid, thanks for asking.
Look, drugs are bad, okay? By the way, Utah is beautiful in the summer.
Forget about St Ives. By the time we get out of quarantine, it’ll be Christmastime, and that means it’s time for Burl Ives.
Coincidentally, I’m curious about the original of the name Burl. I’ve never actually meet anytime with that name. Have you?
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are too many people not there without you.
Is there something you’d like to discuss? Because that’s a lot of interesting imagery, with a lot of potential symbology. Let’s dive in. [Ed.: Oh, no.]
Starting with the seven wives, obviously you’re experiencing [REDACTED] with [REDACTED] because of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] in your marriage. Seven wives won’t help that, but in fact make it worse. Further, [REDACTED] and wife number two means [REDACTED] for your [REDACTED] into the [REDACTED] for [REDACTED]. So why don’t you take your wife on a date, after which [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] [Ed.: be thankful we’re censoring Ub. Again.] all night long?
Now about those wives carrying seven sacks – was that total, or seven sacks each? Because seven sacks total means [REDACTED] and seven each would [REDACTED] [Ed.: Please. Make it stop.] to the [REDACTED] with [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].
The seven kats and cits are [REDACTED] referring to the glorious sounds of [REDACTED] on Main Street, USA.
Wait, you said you met that man? Sorry, then. None of the above applies.
Why the deuce do you give yourselves so much vexation,
And puzzle your brains with a long calculation
Of the number of cats, with their kittens and sacks,
Which went to St Ives, on the old women’s backs,
As you seem to suppose? Don’t you see that the cunning
Old Querist went only? The rest were all coming.
But grant the wives went too, as sure’s they were married,
Eight only could go, for the rest were all carried. -“Philo-Rhithmus” of Edinburgh
Also, I’m at Walt Disney World.
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