(Step)Moms Panel: Is Splash Mountain a "classic"? |

(Step)Moms Panel: Is Splash Mountain a “classic”?

UWI (Step)Moms Panel

The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]

“Dear (Step)Moms*: Would you all consider Splash Mountain a ‘classic’ at Magic Kingdom? In one of my non-Facebook groups, a girl is trying to tell me that it’s not a classic because it’s not old. The problem is that it’s been there 30 to 50 years, so I feel like it kind of is a classic. What are your thoughts?” – Name withheld by request

*We made up this question entirely by ourselves. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

X:

Hi Erin. Firstly, I pity the research skills of your generation. Less than 10 seconds on Google told me that Splash Mountain opened in July of 1989, which would make it 31 years old. Secondly, I know lots of 31-35 year olds who would seriously hurt you for saying that 30 is “old.” Now, to actually answer your question …

Whether or not something is a classic, in my mind, depends on many factors, not just age. For example, the movie Plan 9 From Outer Space came out in 1959, 61 years ago, but it’s widely considered to be the worst movie ever. Certainly not a classic. The musical Hamilton on the other hand, came out just five years ago, and is already considered a classic. So, really, to be considered a classic, something has to be good.

Splash Mountain, whether or not the story it tells is offensive (it is), is one of the best rides that tell a story at Disney World. Even if you haven’t seen Song of the South (i have), you can understand the story, almost instinctively. That’s not a given anymore. Kilimanjaro Safaris had a great story and they removed it. Expedition Everest’s story is good, but only complete if you go through the standby line. Kali River Rapids? Even a Stephanie Meyer book does a better job of explaining the plot. The Imagineers did a great job telling the story of B’rer Rabbit, and admit it, lyricist Ray Gilbert’s song is going to be stuck in your head for days. So, with that in mind, I’d say, yes, Splash Mountain is considered a classic.

Now, for the question of whether or not something should be locked in time forever and never changed because it’s a classic? The answer to that is obviously no. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride was replaced. Snow White’s Scary Adventure was replaced. Journey into Imagination is a mere shadow of its former self, and even Main Street USA now has electricity. So, enjoy Splash Mountain while you can, because it’s going, going, gone.

Marty:

Dang, X, you may have been hanging around Ub too much. Try to keep your answers under 10,000 words.

Hi, Eerie! To answer your question, we need to look at truly classic things. Like Lays Classic Potato Chips. Or Coke Classic, Or Classic Pickles. Or Classic Chevrolet in Grapevine, Texas.

What do they have in common? The word ‘classic’ in their names, duh. And also, they’re all delicious, with the possible exception of the pickles.

So, does Splash Mountain meet either of those criteria? Well, admittedly, I’ve not tried to take a bite out of it (and every time I get a scoop of the flume water to take a drink, Walt swats it out of my hand). But I’m guessing it’s not very tasty. And the word ‘classic’ is not in the name. So, not a classic. Sorry.

Harriet:

Just stay away from the “new car scent” flavored potato chips. I called dibs.

Walt:

Hi Emily, thanks for asking.

Marty:

1. Walt, I appreciate the effort not to be as long-winded as Ub.

2. Maybe could we find a middle ground between five-word answers and Tolstoy?

Ub:

Ronald! What a great question! Hold on, Walt just waved at me, this can’t be good.

There. Now, where were we?

Man, what could he want now? I mean, it’s not like Walt to wave at me. This is really weird. He never waves at me.

Sorry, I need to go. This is really creeping me out.

But vote for me in November.

Walt (second try):

Hi Aaron, thanks for asking. I would call it classic, but I’m afraid to offend anyone these days.

Why, just today I walked into the office here in beautiful Svalbard, and said “Good morning!” to X. He immediately started going off on how technically 1 PM isn’t morning, no matter if I felt it was morning or not. (X has been grumpy going on nearly 4 years now.)

I dared not to try it with Ub, so I just waved. He waved back, but with only one finger.

Not wanting to deal with that, I just smiled at Marty and did the head nod thing. He fell to the ground, balled up like a child, and started to cry.

Even the picture of Harriet we hung on the wall has an angry, condescending look. I think the only guy here in the office I can trust is Baby Yoda!

Baby Yoda:

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