Let’s go, Brandon? Absolutely not.
UNCLE WALT’S INSIDER H.Q., SVALBARD–
Dear Bob,
Can we call you Bob? We feel like we’ve known each other for years. Plus, you strike us as a somewhat informal type of person. But, anyways, we wanted to offer you some advice.
We know you’re going to get tons of advice rolling in from everywhere. You’ve got a tall task. Only 2 years to figure out a worthy successor to the title of CEO of The Walt Disney Company. We all saw how the Chapek experiment worked out. The less said about that, the better.
You’re probably going to get a lot of suggestions as to who might be a good candidate. Some will be serious suggestions, like Karl Holz, Lee Cockerell, Lane Kiffin, or Kevin Feige. Some will be more fanciful, like Lin-Manuel Miranda, Joanna Gaines, or Dame Julie Andrews. I’m sure you’ll also get some completely unqualified names suggested, people like Meghan Markle, Charlie Daniels, or Jeb Bush.
We have some advice. Not on who you should pick, but on who you shouldn’t. And while we usually only write satire, we are deadly serious about this one:
Whatever you do, do not even consider Dave Brandon.
Why not?
Well, let’s see:
You think Chapek has a big ego?
Dave Brandon’s ego takes up so much space he had to add an extra room in his house to store it
His idea of “Fun family entertainment”
…is to put up a giant Kraft Macaroni Noodle at Michigan Stadium.
He has no sense of taste
For example, look at this picture of a Domino’s Pizza box before he was their CEO:
Before Brandon
and compare it with the picture of the Domino’s Pizza box during his time there:
After Brandon
For further example of his lack of taste, look at the University of Michigan Football Uniform — a uniform that many people agree is one of the most classic uniforms in College Football:
Before Brandon
And then look at what he did to that uniform while he was their athletic director:
After Brandon
Lastly, he brutally murdered Geoffrey the Giraffe (and Toys R Us)
He was brought in to save the company, and now Toys R Us is clinging to a tiny thread, by renaming the toy department of Macys.
Before Brandon
After Brandon
In short, Dave Brandon is not someone that can be trusted to run The Walt Disney Company. If he can mess up a mere pizza box, and kill a toy giraffe, imagine what he could do to Mickey Mouse. Don’t give him the chance!
Please pick ABDB (Anyone But Dave Brandon).
Sincerely,
The Editorial staff of Uncle Walt’s Insider
P.S. We’re serious. Don’t pick him. Even Meghan Markle would be better.
P.P.S. But don’t pick her, either.
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Photo credits: Ugly noodle: Patrick Record, AnnArbor.com; Good Dominos: The Motley Fool via Pinterest; Bad Dominos: Famartin [CC BY-SA 4.0] via Wikimedia; Good Michigan: sully61uofm via eBay; Bad Michigan: poshmark.com; ToysRUs: Brian Robert Marshall [CC BY-SA 2.0] via Wikimedia; Not ToysRUs: Breawycker [CC BY-SA 4.0] via Wikimedia..
Extra credit: Discuss the tropes of lightness and darkness in describing historical eros (e.g. the Dark Ages or the Enlightenment) and how they contribute to racism at modern-day school board meetings. Show your work.
