The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step)Moms: First Uncle Walt’s Insider spends much of last week announcing Disneyland closing, or not. Now this week it says Uncle Walt’s Insider is closing or not. What’s the deal? Were you hacked? Is Uncle Walt’s Insider closing? Are you just lazy? Or is it purely self-serving clickbait?” – Marty R., Svalbard
Dear Marty, you ask a lot of very intelligent questions. This may be the very best (Step)Moms question we’ve ever received! I bet you’re handsome, too.
Anyway, to answer your question: Yes.
I don’t know, I just work here. And haven’t written an article in a while, so maybe laziness?
Hi Mary, and thank you for contacting my campaign. As we enter the 2020 election season, it’s important for my constituents to build trust in me. Otherwise I will never win the election. So for the record:
I did not create purely self-serving clickbait with that woman – Miss Oicneta. I never told anybody to make anything up, not a single time — never. These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the people of Svalbard. Thank you.
Hi Marty, thanks for asking.
How exciting that you get to clean the bathrooms! Ub picked up a bunch of sketchy gas station sushi again. Perfect timing.
Guys, I’m not feeling so good. Could someone cover for my speech this afternoon?
Baby Yoda, don’t go into that bathroom!
I’ll write Ub’s speech as long as someone else cleans that up.
Um, four score and seven years ago… I began running for office. This fine crowd of voters reminds me of a long, rambling story with no point. Just like I subject Marty and the others in our office to on a daily basis. It begins long ago, takes several detours, and usually winds up somewhere completely different than we expected. And usually includes a lot of [REDACTED].
[Marty: Man, Ub, how do you write these War and Peace-length things? I’m tired already. I think I’ll start using a random story generator and throw in a few [REDACTED]s. But I’m still not cleaning the bathroom.]
A single-handledly righteous power drill takes a coffee break, and a [REDACTED] football team goes to sleep; however, the nearest chestnut accidentally figures out some obsequious wheelbarrow. The [REDACTED] conquers a tattered plaintiff, because a carpet tack plays pinochle with a ball [REDACTED] . Furthermore, a fundraiser from a vacuum cleaner hibernates, and an usually overpriced defendant trades [REDACTED] cards with the boiled tabloid. Furthermore, a Eurasian microscope flies into a rage, and the tripod over another minivan often gives a pink slip to the pine cone. Another class action suit from a cashier [REDACTED], but a garbage can around a fairy reaches an understanding with a ball bearing of the demon.
When a wheelbarrow for the industrial complex is usually crispy, a CEO greedily takes a [REDACTED] at a hockey player around the cargo bay. Most people believe that a recliner [REDACTED] a phony carpet tack, but they need to remember how usually a prime minister for a turn signal ruminates. Furthermore, a football team over the wheelbarrow feels nagging remorse, and a mortician almost plays [REDACTED] with a molten food stamp. When a pathetic satellite is precise, the bottle of beer related to a cab driver negotiates a prenuptial agreement with a vacuum cleaner of the CEO. A traffic light makes love to the [REDACTED] parking lot.
The apartment building, a greedily [REDACTED] abstraction, and the satellite are what made America [REDACTED]! Most people believe that a food stamp steals pencils from a polar bear, but they need to remember how slyly the secretly spartan cab driver flies into a [REDACTED] rage.
Thank you, and God bless America!
[Marty: New question: Can you actually use “[REDACTED]” when you’re reading a speech?]
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