The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step)Moms: What do you think of all the theme parks leaving California? How do
I we they stop them from leaving?” – Gavin N., Sacramento CA
Hi Glen, thanks for asking.
I once made the mistake of letting Harriet borrow my car. I hadn’t seen it for around two years.
Then one day I found it while I was on a walk. It had a metal boot on one of the tires, I couldn’t move it. Maybe you could try that?
Dear Governor, on a recent visit to your state, a palm tree attacked me. True story. I was walking down Wilshire Boulevard, minding my own business, when a palm tree viciously dropped a dead leaf on my head.
I haven’t been back to California since — except to go to Disneyland. And I now I don’t have to go there to do that!
I realize that I didn’t actually answer your question. I don’t care. Good luck!
Just stay in California. There are already enough whackos outside your state.
Gavin, I am going to attempt this without cussing at you. You have no idea how difficult that is. And that’s also why I am running against you. I think.
For many years before you were ever a twinkle in your father’s eye — and by the way, he REDACTED [Marty, don’t you dare redact that!] — theme park migration had been a part of life. They migrated from California through Nevada, to Montana and Michigan, through Ohio (because let’s face it, Cleveland needs something nice once in a while), and on to Scranton, PA, then heading south into Virginia, Georgia, and Florida before starting back west.
But you, with your REDACTED theme park policies, killed all of that. Before you were even born. How does that feel?
And that is why I am running for office.
[is off working on a answer that won’t make the CA government look as bad]
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