The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step) Moms: I will soon be on holiday in Orlando for a fortnight. Three generations of my family will be traveling together: my mum and dad, my Uncle Chester (dad’s brother), my wife Cindra, our three kids (a 10-year-old daughter and twin 8-year-old boys), and of course our bulldog Winston. It’s our first trip to the States. Is there anything to do there?” – Geoffrey Pottinger, Leeds, England
Ub:
Geoffrey. Hi. I think you’re going to want to sit down.
From State Route 417 to Highway 33, from Sanford to Sebring, there’s nothing but orange groves.
If you’re looking to stay off-property, your closest accommodations will be in Eustis. The good news, though, is that in nearby DeBary, you’ll find the SunRail train that runs to… somewhere, I forget.
And that dark area on the horizon? You must never go there, Geoffrey.
Anyway, that’s about all there is to do. Sorry to burst your bubble. But really… you should have studied that before you left, shouldn’t you?!
Marty:
Pip, pip, and cheerio, Geoffrey! (Sorry, that’s all the British I know. Hope you can understand American.)
I echo what Ub said — unfortunately, there’s not a lot for tourists to do in the Orlando area. Is it too late for you to change your plane tickets and go to Texas instead? You’ll find Texas hospitality, great Tex-Mex food, plenty of historical sites to visit, not one but two Six Flags amusement parks, and best of all: beaver nuggets!
X:
Hi Geoffrey. Why not trei a holiday in Orlando this year? See the løvelï lakes, the wønderful telephøne system, and many interesting furry animals. Including the majestic møøse. Which reminds me, a møøse once bit my sister…
We apologise for the fault in the previous paragraph. Those respønsible have been sacked.
But seriously, I have to disagree with Marty & Ub. There is a lot to do in the Greater Orlampa Area. (Yes, I know you said Orlando, but someone once used the phrase Orlampa to describe the area between Orlando and Tampa, and we thought it was appropriate.
First of all, the Orlando International Airport is home to the best social media team of any airport I’ve traveled to. Plus, the Terminal C APM train is an amazing experience. And terminal C itself is beautiful. And had very clean restrooms. Next, there are world class theme parks. Take your pick between Holy Land Experience, Fantasy of Flight, and Dinosaur Land. There’s sure to be plenty there to keep your family busy for hours. Third, we have a lot of great restaurants. US-192 is home to the last Ponderosa Steakhouse in a 4 state radius! And if you’d like an overpriced, dry, unflavourful cupcake, Sprinkles Cupcakes at Disney Springs can’t be beat! (ironically, it’s owned by a judge on the American TV show ‘Cupcake Wars‘, who regularly berates contestants for presenting her with dry, unflavourful cupcakes.)
Last, but certainly not least, we have world class traffic. We like to say that Orlando is an hour away from Orlando. Just take a trip down I-4 and you’ll see what we mean.
Walt:
Jambo, Geoffrey. Thanks for asking. I find that Johannesburg is beautiful anytime of the year.
I recommend Enzokuhle’s Safaris. It’s family-friendly and budget-friendly! There is a small cafe just up the street from Enzokuhle’s that has the best bobotie around!
Kwaherini!
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
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