The Uncle Walt’s Insider (Step) Moms Panel answers your real questions with their own totally reliable advice. [Lawyer-mandated disclaimer: do NOT rely on this advice. Our panel of experts may or may not be actual stepmoms, but they are definitely evil.]
“Dear (Step)Moms: I know you’ve said Walt Disney World is requiring temperature checks for guests. Can I bring my own thermometer?” – Emilia L., Reykjavik, Iceland
Walt:
Hi Emile, thanks for asking.
I just returned from Walt Disney World and brought my own thermometer. I don’t trust that the infrared they are using isn’t already infected with the China Virus.
I got the exact same model that Disney uses, and they would not let me use it. Then I got to thinking, what if mine and theirs were built on different lines in the factory, and mine was the one infected with the China Virus. I mean, they were both built in China, but maybe one line was infecting the thermometers and one wasn’t. It’s plausible right? Then I thought, maybe it’s been used enough that all of the China Virus was shot out of it already. I went through 6 sets of AA batteries at home hoping I got it all out of my thermometer, but what if I needed to go through 7 sets? Maybe Disney already did that.
In the end, Disney said their way or the highway, and I just wanted to get a churro, so I just allowed them to shoot the China Virus directly into my face. But I was wearing a mask, so I’m good, right?
X:
Þakka þér fyrir að skrifa. Af hverju ekki að prófa frí í Walt Disney World á þessu ári? Sjáðu yndislegu vötnin, hið frábæra símakerfi og mörg áhugaverð loðdýra. Þar á meðal tignarlegi elgur. Elg beit systur mína einu sinni. Nei í alvöru. Elgbít getur verið ansi viðbjóðsleg.
Marty:
It really depends, Milly. On my last trip, I brought a really nice, high-tech weather station with me (that included an outdoor thermometer, duh). Not only could I not use it to check my own temperature (which was a balmy 92 degrees with a 30% chance of afternoon showers), they wouldn’t even let me carry it into the park! How was I supposed to know whether it was raining or not?
I have a meat thermometer I’ll try on my next trip.
Harriet:
Just don’t go to Walt Disney World. There are already enough people there without you.
Ub:
Hello Miley. Thank you for writing to my campaign office.
First off, no. You cannot sing at my rallies. I don’t think my constituents would appreciate your style of music, if you know what I mean.
Things are really heating up here in Svalbard, and my opponents are nowhere to be found. Maybe they’re hiding. However, if I had opponents in this race, they would not be allowed to use their own thermometers, because you can’t trust their thermometers. Why, just yesterday, I was at the Red Cross to give blood, and their thermometer showed that I was running a little bit warmer than usual when I checked in. Later, at pre-bloodletting triage, they showed that I had a more normal temperature. But what really got me was that they had us all sucking on the same thermometer during COVID. Huh.
But if the Red Cross can’t keep their thermometers properly calibrated, what makes you think that you can keep yours up to par?
In answer, no, you cannot use your own thermometer. Or rather, you can, but we won’t trust it.
Fortunately, I’ve got my thermometer right here, and I do keep it well-calibrated. So lower your [CENSORED] and spread your [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] so I can take your temperature. Don’t worry; I’ve got a cover for the probe.
Baby Yoda:
Marty:
Exactly.
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