Hey guys, I've missed you...

[February]

Wow, so much wonderful support and ideas here. I don't even know where to begin to thank everybody- Shorty, hugs back to you I know you went through a lot with your mom...I know those tears are tears of knowing the difficult road ahead of me. Those tears are sacred. ((((hugs))))

Thank you Wallaby...everybody, I know I'm leaving people out and this is a very half-assed reply but I am pressed for time and want to keep you all updated so here's the latest.

Apparently, they didn't even tell my mother they were going to take my father to the home. She found out this morning when the hospital called her to tell her that his prescriptions were ready to be picked up!

As far as my siblings, my second-oldest sister came by today (haven't seen her in person in ages she rarely leaves her house but we talk on the phone frequently) she went to the home and said that dad says he's going to come home in 9 days but in the meantime he asked for socks and underwear because they don't do laundry at the facility????!!!!

Then she went back to the house and unloaded on my mother who is becoming so twisted she makes Emperor Palpatine look like Man of the Year and a Nobel peace prize winner.

In fact, dear old mom just hung up on me when I called to inform her that I would be by this afternoon to raid Dad's closet for the requested items and I am taking them to him myself. when I get there I am going to have to talk fast- my husband and daughter will be in the car (I'm not taking her into this place) and I'm going to ask him what is really what and how the hell we ended up here.

My mother has forbid the medical people to send him home. I say at this point if he can get live-in care and he wants to go home to die (and yes, Shorty, I too pray that he will not suffer. At this point, I am certain he is terminal) then he should be allowed to do it and if my mother doesn't want to be part of it she can take her freaking social security check and get the hell out. It is his house too.

When I told her that she had no right to refuse to let him come home she hung up on me.

I have a key to the house and I will be going in to get Dad's undershorts, period.

Nessa, my Dad's 'self treatment' for his condition has been downing Mucinex tablets for months! ARHHHHGGGGG. And my mom had mumps when she was expecting me (likely responsible for lots of my health issues) and I had chicken pox when I was pregnant for my daughter. Your parents are made of sterner stuff!

Wallaby said, quite beautifully I should add:

"More than that strength, I pray for peace for you. a peace that very, very few experience on a daily basis, one that... really can't be described, even by those like myself who have received and experienced it. It is not a peace that you feel so much as realize. But if you should experience it, you will know it and it is the greatest comfort there is.

Please continue to keep us updated. "

Thank you so much for that. Last night I just sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed like a four year old. My husband didn't know what to do with me. Today, I know that I have to just do as much as I can and then I'll know I can't do any more. My sister is supposed to be calling my oldest sister (who says she's 'staying out of it'- well she has power of attorney she doesn't have that luxury LOL) and other relatives to try to tell them that my mother has dumped my dad off and it's not right.

The best thing that could happen would be if my mother just packed a bag and moved out.

Got to run, will be going out the door soon.

I feel the support from you all as clear as day- thank you so much.

love to all
Bru

[DisneyMom]

Make sure you keep the nurses and medical social workers aware of the current situation. They may have some good ideas on how to handle this very difficult situation. The Family strife seems out of control so PLEASE keep yourself safe, even if it means having to go buy some undies at the store for him. Or you could call the police and ask their advice on how to handle this without being accused of breaking and entering (it's a stretch, but your mom sounds over the edge a bit).
It doesn't sound like she is equipped to handle this at all, very sad and maddening, but situations like this seem to either bring out the best or the worst in people.

[felinefan]

I hope your mom doesn't change the locks on you. Then you would be stuck. Yes, buy his socks and undies at the store. It's odd that they don't do laundry at the hospice--when my uncle was in the hospice, they did everything for him.

[mechurchlady]

been there done that. Mom has accused staff of doing or not doing things. Mistakes happen in communications.

Hospice usually is great but they took Dad's bed away because he lasted 7 months which was one month past the 6 months allotted.

hugs and it is tough when dealing with sick people, am dealing with mother.

[GaTechGal]

Bru, DisneyMom gave you some great info/advice about the Hospice folks. If your dad is determined to just go home to die, then they are the wonderful caring folks you want to deal with. I believe they can help with pain meds and the like to help make him comfortable. Sorry for you and for you family. Hopefully your mom will come to and realize that these may be her last days with her husband. Maybe that realization is what is scaring her and maybe she feels that if she refuses to acknowledge it then it won't happen. Continued prayers for all of you.

[February]

Today's update...


Last night we went, myself, my husband, my daughter and my brother to see dad at the facility. It turns out it is a 'rehab' center and actually, it is the nicest one I have ever seen. It smelled clean. The food smelled good. The staff was friendly. Honestly, it was better than the hospital!

That was a relief. When we got there, my dad had a visitor, a housekeeper from the hospital who has taken a shine to him and wanted to check up on him on her own time. She is a very nice person, there are so many good people on this Earth.

I got to have my heart to heart with Dad, I cried and told him that I had to be sure he knew that sending him there was not my choice. The perfect way to phrase it came to me just before we got there. You will recognize the quote.

I held his hand and said "Dad, Ohana means family. No one is left behind, or forgotten."

It was the only thing I said that brought tears to his eyes- he didn't cry when I did, but when I said that, his eyes filled up.

He knows I love him and he said that he's okay where he is for now but he plans on being home in 8 days when the coverage will run out if he's still currently doing as well as he is. I have to say he looked much better then at the hospital, he's breathing room air, has not had to be suctioned, and is as of now caring for his own trach. I don't see a reason he can't go home except I'm still afriad of the unexplained bleeding but I am trying to find out from the doctors if there is more info I don't have on that.

Bottom line in my book is that my mother just doesn't have the right legally to say the man can't come home to his own house. Sister 2 tried to get Sister 1 to the home today- actually got as far as setting up a meeting spot but Sister 1 flaked out and went shopping instead! Sister 2 is at home right now very, very ticked off.

Meanwhile, I marched into my parent's church last night seeking their presiding minister because my Dad has specifically requested that they speak to my mother. We were there on the night another congregation was meeting in the building but my husband spoke to one of the ministers and got the phone number of the correct minister and I have left messages. If he does not return my call soon I'll have my husband try- if that doesn't work I will march into the place during Sunday Services, wait at the back and then grab the first minister I can to speak with when it's over.

I have never seen anything like this circus.

Found out too that they got dad to sign the discharge papers by telling him he was going home- then they said 'well your wife can't take care of you so you have to go here' and took him to the rehab place and he couldn't stop them because the'd signed discharge papers :( :( :( :( :(

Meanwhile sister 1 says it's MY fault for leaving the family religion and causing everyone's problems. She would rather that I committed suicide back in 1997 like I had planned to do rather than get the divorce I needed to get out of the abusive relationship I was in and get on with my life. I'm sorry, but it's not her choice to just decide she'd rather I were dead because I don't worship her church!

Yes, that's the truth you see. I am an outcast from my own family for the past decade- but still, for seven years since Dad was sick, I have been the one there to take care of them. Meanwhile my ultra-spiritual sister knocks on people's doors all day long seeking to save their souls- while her own father lies ignored and lonely in a bed at a nursing home.

You tell me what Jesus would think of that. I have an idea he wouldn't support it.

Time for more coffee. Big eye appointment for me in the morning tomorrow, I cannot wait to get it over with.

thanks again for all the support, you guys are the best
Bru

[Figment76]

Yes, that's the truth you see. I am an outcast from my own family for the past decade- but still, for seven years since Dad was sick, I have been the one there to take care of them. Meanwhile my ultra-spiritual sister knocks on people's doors all day long seeking to save their souls- while her own father lies ignored and lonely in a bed at a nursing home.

You tell me what Jesus would think of that. I have an idea he wouldn't support it.

Y'know, when stories like this that make me reflect back on the parable of the Pharisee who was in the front of the temple, wailing and beating his breast, praying to God where everyone could see him. Jesus instead looked at the woman at the back of the temple, giving her last penny to the collection, and basically said that the woman's quiet faith was more true than the guy making all the noise in front of everyone. Total paraphrase, I know, but I've found it to be true more times than not.

Same thing here, Bru. Your dad knows who loves him and who is looking after his best interests. If your mom is going to give you problems moving your dad back home, have you looked at assisted living places in the area? If your dad isn't requiring intensive care, that might be an option. Or is there any chance he could live with you or Sister 2 (who sounds like she's got her head screwed on straight) if a visiting nurse stopped by during the day?

Hope everying goes well with your eye appt. tomorrow.

[Big Wallaby]

Okay, everybody. Grab a drink, because this is going to be one of my long, going-off-on-something posts.

Meanwhile sister 1 says it's MY fault for leaving the family religion and causing everyone's problems. She would rather that I committed suicide back in 1997 like I had planned to do rather than get the divorce I needed to get out of the abusive relationship I was in...

... ... ... ...

You tell me what Jesus would think of that. I have an idea he wouldn't support it.

On the day of judgment, we will all have to answer for our lifetimes, and your sister will have to answer for this. From what you describe, she does not serve the same Jesus as me. Hers must not be a Jesus of love, because my Jesus would not wish anyone who leaves a certain church group to be dead unless they were truly evil. The only time I remember mine saying anything about suicide being the better option is referring to someone who harms a child... and I've wanted to start Millstone Ministries for years after a private school principal, in his "Christian duty", killed every ounce of joy in my brother by telling him, over a course of several meetings, that God hated him. To this day, because of what he said and did to my brother, and knowing he does it to this day to other children, because he is evil in Jesus' name, about once a month I come to think of him and desire his utter destruction. There is no patience in my mind for those who destroy others in the name of my God, or in the religions that are offshoots of mine... and I have friends who are former members of some of these religions, and they are more like cults. In one of them, in the most high tabernacle (I don't think it's their term for it, but it gets the idea across), there is a ritual they begin with, and the final step of this ritual is symbolism for "If you are caught giving away what happens in here, we will slit your throat." There's no church led by my Jesus that needs to keep that kind of secret. To have a ritual that makes that known to your priests is truly, truly evil.

Sorry, everyone, I didn't mean to go into a religious diatribe, but any religion that claims to follow Jesus, and then you can say what Bru did about their members, sets me off.

[hobie16]

WOW!!!!

[February]

Okay, everybody. Grab a drink, because this is going to be one of my long, going-off-on-something posts.

*snip*
Sorry, everyone, I didn't mean to go into a religious diatribe, but any religion that claims to follow Jesus, and then you can say what Bru did about their members, sets me off.

Don't be sorry, Wallaby. Every so often I need people to remind me of just how crazy it is, and you're right, these groups are more cults than religions.

I was born into that faith, I was a 'good girl' in every sense of the term. I married the first time at 19. By 26 I knew that either I had to get out of it, or my life would be over one way or another.

Because I didn't have the correct 'proof' of wrongdoing by my spouse in their eyes, I was excommunicated- they use a different term for it but that's the basic premise. If I see any of the friends I grew up with as a child, they are not to speak to me. They are to pretend I am dead.

99 percent of my family has spent the last decade pretending I am dead.

I did not go to my beloved grandmother's funeral because I was not in the mood to face shunning publicly by hundreds of self righteous people in addition to my grief. My grandmother would not have wanted me to subject myself to that, I knew that. So instead, my husband and I went out and went Christmas shopping to buy a gift for his grandmother who is still with us. That seemed a much more fitting tribute to the kind of life my grandmother lived, and she WAS a true Christian, true to the ideals that she believed in.

I am not a perfect person, no one is and I never claimed to be, but I do try to do my best and help people out where I can, whether related to them or not. I am a sympathetic soul. I'm an INFJ (for those who follow Keirsey/Meyers Briggs), it's in me to be.

It just hurts to know that it doesn't matter what else I do in my life- if I don't 'repent' and beg their church's forgiveness to be returned to my family (which I can't do because I don't believe what they teach, that would make me a hypocrite...) I have told my entire family that I love them, I miss them, and that they are welcome at any time in my home. My parents have only bucked the system because they've needed me. Sister 2, god I wish she'd let Dad move in with her, there's no way I can this time our place is very small last time Dad lived in the living room.

It's just a big mess. but I'm tired of trying to hide the fact that my family is just crazy. It's becoming apparent to the professionals involved and it frustrates me as much as them.

Still, my dad sits there, Sharpie in hand with a notebook telling me how much he loves my mother.

UGHHH.

Thanks again for all your support. I know the Jesus that I read about in the Bible- he went and talked to the prostitutes (and my life is so boring I have never been wild) and turned over the tables of those profiting from the sheep in the temple.

You know, the way my family is behaving is starting to remind me of the people countries where they throw widows out into the streets and make them shave their heads and beg for food, just because their husbands have died. What my family is doing is no less shameful, or dispicable.

My husband swears I was a vergance in the Force and I'm not related to any of them! I think that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

Bru