Hey guys, I've missed you...

[February]

Sorry I haven't been around. July was the month from hell in our household and August is off to a wonderful start.

We had: Basement flood, in laws visit, power outage, my health tanked in multiple ways, and finally as of last week my stubborn father (there was a thread on my trying to get him to seek treatment awhile back) finally ended up in intensive care, unable to breathe.

He has a large mass in his throat.

He is supposed to get a trach and biopsy on Tuesday but he's at a dink local hospital and I wish they would transfer him to the big University it's only half an hour away, probably 20 minutes by ambulance- he's stable enough at the moment that I don't even think they'd need to life flight him.

I'm so beyond frustrated but again, I can't make these decisions. It breaks my heart to know that if he'd only listened to us two years ago, 18 months ago, or even a year ago that the mass would still be small enough that he wouldn't have to have the trach even temporarily (though it may be permanent :( He's going to hate it and I don't know how my mother will handle the daily maintainence of it.

Myself I still have no useful vision in my left eye- am supposed to see a third specialist at the U on the 15th to discuss the future of my vision- right eye ain't so great either. On top of it all I've been having daily (or should I say nightly ) panic attacks, something I haven't dealt with since before my divorce ten years ago.

Please don't think I haven't been here cause I don't care about everybody and thanks to Susi for pm-ing to check on me (I'm so glad your surgery was so successful susi- speedy recovery!)

I sure as hell hope that all of you are having a better summer than I am.

love to all
Bru

[hobie16]

Don't be a stranger. Come on by occasionally even if it's just to vent. We're all friends here.

[joanna71985]

Sorry to hear about all of this. Hope things get better.

[Whazzup]

Oh Bru, I've really missed you. I just figured you were busy or taking care of business or whatever. I'm really sorry I didn't check up on you - I'm glad Susi did.

So sorry to hear about your crises. Sounds like you've got a full plate, or more like a platter full. Hope your Dad comes through his procedures all right - keep us informed on how he's doing, okay?

No wonder you're having panic attacks with all that's going on in your life right now. Hopefully you can get some help and relief from that, too. And let us know how the consult goes on your vision - I know you've been fighting that battle for a long time.

Sending you hugs and lots of pixie dust. Come and vent here when you need to.

[Princess Susi]

I am so glad you are back here! I have missed you so much! I am praying for your family and you. We have to remain optimistic. You are on my mind everyday and I am always hoping that you will find some peace with all you have to deal with.
Get me that address, I have a package to send you...wall*e stuff beckons to you! hehehehe.... ;)
I am SO glad you are posting again and I am so sorry you have been going through rough patches. I too suffer from those panic attacks and am on medication to keep them at bay. I would think that with all you have going on, it is no wonder you are having them again. I send prayers for your father as well as the whole family

My back is better, no more sciatica shooting down my leg, but I have a spot on the incision that won't heal, there is a little hole there and I found a bit of suture that had not dissolved and had migrated up to the skin surface. I see another knot of suture in the hole there, but am just leaving everything alone til I see my doc next week. I also still have much back pain. It is going to be a long time before I can walk any great distances. I don't know if I can get off ALL the meds, I have pain when I forget to take them. My spine is stiff and sore. But I still am better than before. I still will need an ECV for any trips this year, but hopefully we can do it next year without an ECV or chair.

I am praying for you and thinking good thoughts and sending hugs your way Bru. Tis good to see your posts! Like a breath of fresh air! :) You can always come here to talk to us, your friends. We understand and stand beside you through all of this and more.
We will always be here for you. You have my email address. Use it if you need to. I am a good ear.

Big HUGS coming your way...
Susi

[February]

Thanks everybody. The past couple days have been really, really hard.

Dad told me last night that he wants the surgeons to take the biopsy without the trach. I do not think they are going to be willing to risk this, at the very least not at the small hospital he's in. He told me that if they won't, he will consider the transfer to the big University hospital where they did his aneurysm clip seven years ago (where i wish he was to begin with) but after the fit my mother threw yesterday, yelling at poor little nurses' aids for stuff that they had nothing to do with, I'm forced to take the day off today, myself and my husband to recover and get my blood pressure down again before I go back there. I'm just beat.

But my brother was supposed to finally be up there today so Dad will have company. If they do go through with the procedure tomorrow I"ll have my husband drop me off at the hospital before work (he's missed so much the past month, he can't take any more time off really at the moment unless it's the end of the world- he was at the hospital every day since Dad went in) it's times like this that I hate not being able to drive anymore the most.

Dad and I talked alone for a good half an hour yesterday while my husband 'took one for the team' and took Mom down to get a cup of coffee.

He believes that he'll get past this- for the moment he is so relieved he can get some air and he's not in any pain that he's in as good a state as I think anyone could be in his situation. Dark humor emerged pretty quickly along with the obligatory Monty Python jokes about keeping the cart away because he's 'not yet dead'.

But of course, the seriousness of the situation does not escape either of us. At one point I saw tears in his eyes- I couldn't believe that I, queen of Kleenex, managed to keep it together. I was proud of that, he doesn't need to see that.

His motivation in more ways than one to get better is more trips to Disney. (though he did say to me at one point "if all I have left is six weeks we have time to squeeze in one more trip" -both of us knowing full well though he's far too ill to travel)

I did up the bulletin board in his room with tons of pictures from our last trip to inspire him, pictures of him and my daughter at the Grand lobby, pictures of the Poly lobby, us all dressed up for dinner...

If it is cancer, it's going to be really bad. Because he waited so long.

Thanks to you all for the good thoughts (susi I'm sorry for the lapse in the address sending I have to get my po box set back up and running again- my husband doesn't like me to give our address out to online friends after past experiences- but I am going to do that as soon as I can I promise, and thank you again for the Wall-E goodies!!)

My Dad loved Wall-E so much from the previews that when I wasn't free to go see it the first day he confessed to me later that he snuck off and went to the very first showing LOL. We went to see it together about a month ago at a matinee...I could hear him wheezing the entire movie...and so I have known that things were going to happen soon.

But I took some Wall-E stickers and put them on the card I sent to him the first day when I couldn't get to the hospital right away (had my daughter with nowhere to leave her- and couldn't take her into that situation- my husband was there though and relaying everything to me by phone) and when I did get to the hospital, the first thing Dad did was hold up his envelope, point to Wall-E and laugh LOL. We do so love WALL-E!!!

Far as the panic attacks I am not medicated for them or the accompanying depression I've battled since my teens- have been in the past but the side effects were bad with my weird body so I'm white- knuckling it for now.

Spent the whole night last night rocking in the glider my husband bought me last week (it does help my joint pain, it seems, the gentle motion) with my iPod on. Seemed to be the only thing that helped, but I still couldn't stop shaking. When I have full blown attacks, they last for hours.

Thanks for keeping us all in your thoughts, means so much. I promise I'll keep you all posted.

love,
Bru

[DisneyMom]

Bru, I was wondering what happened, and I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I know nothing I can say will make it alright, but we do think a lot of you here and hope that you and your family will have as much help and Medical skill to get through this crisis as much as possible.
Keep us updated.
Susi, you know what I will say- Go to the Doctor ASAP and get your incision checked out, something like that happened to me- Antibiotics fixed me right up(and the MD might need to remove that suture if it hasn't dissolved yet!)
(Insert Smilie of a nurse shaking her finger here!)

[February]

It's cancer...

it's blocking his windpipe completely except for about a pencil size space, which is rapidly disappearing.

They found nodes in his chest "very near his heart" which, if also cancer, will render him 'inoperable'.

His trach has had complications and he lost a lot of blood today- not good because my parent's religious beliefs require them to refuse blood transfusions. I found this out when I got to the hospital, went to his regular floor room expecting to find him, found out that he'd gone back to the ICU after surgery. I knew they moved him too soon but I was flat with a migraine and couldn't get to the hospital yesterday.

I begged him again to let us transfer him but Dad says no.

Feels like a sick, sad countdown now, am hoping to talk to the oncologist tonight late after he comes from another hospital to talk to my dad- it's just...barbaric, all of it.

I hope that no one here ever has to see some of the things I saw today when it comes to anyone they love.

It's funny, the other night I had this flash in my mind, the night before the surgery to put in the trach, of a nightmare image.

For the first time in my life for anything other than completely medical reasons, I passed out cold. I scared five years off my husband.

Then, today, when that nightmare image was reality- and I was alone at the hospital I went outside, I called my husband in a panic, but I did not pass out.

Rough road ahead. For all of us.

And do you know what Dad did today? After all the second surgery, after everything, as soon as he got a pencil and paper and the nurse was talking about where he would have his after care, he drew three circles on the piece of paper.

He still wants to go back to WDW. *sob*

My heart is breaking. My relationship with my dad has always been very complicated...in the past seven years we've just gotten to know each other.

I am grateful for every single day we've had in that time, believe me. Especially the day he got to see his granddaughter swordfight with Captain Jack Sparrow last fall...

phone ringing-oncologist, have to go.

love to all
bru

[Shorty82]

I'll be praying.

[Whazzup]

Bru, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's cancer. I know you're torn between anger at your father for not seeing a doctor sooner and sadness that his life is in danger from this terrible disease. :(
Waiting to hear if the nodes in his chest are malignant and praying they are not.