Lawyer's Night Before Christmas

[Cheshire Figment]

THE NOCTURNAL PERIOD PRECEDING YULETIDE

T'was the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing sub-conscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predicates, he vociferated loudly, expelling breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen -"Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and supra labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen dihydrogen oxide.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multi-genarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me risibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

(Last Paragraph on next Post - Too long for this one)

[darph nader]

Calling Mr. Wombat. Calling Mr. Wombat.

[Cheshire Figment]

(Continued From Post #1 - System said it was too long)

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced emptying the aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave taking and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to the selfsame assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[BRWombat]

Too funny!

Somewhere I've got something reminiscent of that, that someone gave me in Law School. It's the original poem, but fully footnoted and annotated with legal commentary. I'll see if I can find it.

[BRWombat]

Still looking for the other version, but here's one more in keeping with my specific field of legal practice:

[INDENT]THE STATE
vs.
NICHOLAS CLAUS

Also known as "Santa Claus", "Kris Kringle", "Saint Nicolas" or "Father Christmas"

STATEMENT

I, Occular. W. Itness, of 174 Main Street, Whoville, do solemnly affirm and swear to the truth of this, my sworn statement:

1. Whereas, on or about the night prior to the 25th of December, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

2. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus" or "the subject") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

3. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

4. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being a tenant-by-the-entirety in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep (at such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, to wit: kerchief and cap).

5. Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved portion of real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.

6. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

7. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus, as more specifically identified below.

8. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the aformentioned eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"; upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved).

9. The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.

10. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, specifically on the rooftop thereof, causing unspecified damage thereto by means of the hooves of said animal co-conspirators.

11. Whereupon Claus entered said House via the chimney.

12. The party of the first part positively identified said Claus from the following appearance: The subject was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. Claus' face was identifiable by certain cherry-like and bow-like features amd he was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations, the fumes of which assumed a wreathiform shape around the subject's head.

13. Said Claus made no utterances or admissions, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts (said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the tax staute or any applicable or relevant Gifts to Minors legislation).

14. Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts".

15. After vaulting in the Vehicle, signaling his co-conspirators and abettors with a whistle, Claus abruptly departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the dissapearance of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" (or words to that effect...).

SWORN ON THIS 24TH DAY OF DECEMBER, 2008.

/s/ O.W. Itness[/INDENT]

[Cheshire Figment]

The Gunning Fog index is 23.19

The number of major punctuation marks, eg. [.], was 23
The number of words was 754
The number of 3+ syllable words, highlighted in blue, was 190

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

"The First thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers!" -Bill shaken spear!

(Sorry Wombat..you would have to become a full time singer!)

[DisneyMom]

You left out the part where the intruder consumes all available bakery items in the domicile, most likely causing damage to the internal chimney structure upon his escape, Wombat..... ;)

[Big Wallaby]

I move to make this an annual SGT tradition, the posting of The Nocturnal Period Preceding Yuletide and The State Vs. Nicholas Claus.

Cast your vote now.

[darph nader]

"The First thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers!" -Bill shaken spear!

(Sorry Wombat..you would have to become a full time singer!)

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. :(