Yes, Wazz has it right, part of me is very angry every time another doctor says "If only you'd come in a year ago." because my husband, daughter and I tried so hard to convince him he needed to go in. Everyone in the family knows it- including my mother whom I hold equally responsible that he didn't seek treatment because she kept saying there was 'nothing wrong with him' and that he was 'faking' the wheezing that was actually coming from his throat being obstructed!!!!!!!!! But I have never let that anger show to my dad, it's something we only vent at home, after we've left his bedside. While I'm there I put on my bravest face and try to keep him calm and encouraged. But it sucks that if he had done something sooner, he likely at least wouldn't have the trach now.
I haven't been to the hospital today- was not feeling well enough to take a cab alone after the hell on earth I experienced yesterday. My husband is totally exhausted he's done nothing but run around for the past 8 days solid so I told Dad's nurse to tell Dad we probably won't make it in tonight. They have already moved him back to a regular room (which is WRONG! He lost a lot of blood yesterday and they just dropped him out of the ICU just like that. I argued my best case with the nurses and doctors last night but as I said, this hospital is not the one I'd choose to get a splinter removed in. They don't care.)
The talk with the oncologist was enlightening (the definitive diagnosis so far is squamous cell carcinoma) though they won't stage the cancer until they know more about what the rest of his body looks like, or give a timeline/prognosis.
Today he is having the CT of his abdomen, and they want him to have a bone scan too. they want to biopsy the nodes (though the oncologist slipped last night and called at least one of them a 'mass' which to me says a LOT- as does its location- one near his lung on the same side as the throat tumor, and at least one "very near his heart") but the problem is that it will be risky and with his blood loss already- ugh ugh ugh. It just gets more frustrating and I just do not want the man to suffer. The thought he can't eat- my father went hungry many times as a child, and food is a major source of joy to him- the idea of him being unable to eat is torturing the whole family.
This is a guy who has been the cavalry for everyone in his life- anytime there was trouble, you just call Bill and he shows up. Well who is the cavalry when the cavalry is in trouble? Turned out it was only me, my husband, my younger brother and one brother in law. No one else showed up for the surgery or since, including my own mother!!! *banging head against wall* Though it's probably better for the staff and my dad's elevated BP if she's not there.
Will keep you guys posted as we go...my father is already telling me he doesn't want treatment to 'prolong his death' but now that he has the trach I know whatever happens this could take awhile.
Or, he could bleed again like he did yesterday, suddenly and without warning and that could be the end right there.
I just pray that no one has to ever go through what i went through yesterday- it will undoubtedly go down as one of the worst days in my entire life.
Your support is so appreciated, I can't even begin to tell you...
rambling I know, sorry about that
have to pull myself together, get the bills written out...everyday things that seem so useless and mundane when the clock may be running out on the life of someone you love.But still they are things that have to be done. My daughter has been at her Dad's the past week while we dealt with this and I miss her something awful too- that's the absolute hardest part of this. Whatever my relationship with my father has or hasn't been- she believes that he walks on water and the feeling is mutual. She will, I believe, suffer the most from all of this.
It's so hard to watch your children suffer loss -harder than feeling it yourself I think. She's only twelve. I don't know what to do for her.
I'll check in again soon.
Love to all,
Bru
