Stupid Guest Tricks

Have you ever read, "The Dog's Diary?"
7am-a walk-My Favorite!
8am-Dog Food-My Favorite!
9am-a nap-My Favorite!
and so on throughout the day.....

"The Cat's Diary"
Day 832 of my captivity........ :p:

I have always loved these...How to give a cat a bath. The other one is how to give a cat a pill...I'll find it and post it...very funny...My sick sense of humor is back!




HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH
If all else fails, consider dry cleaning!




METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.


METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

FUNNY CAT QUOTES
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction, and a cat. The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker

I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He just sat there and enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur kept sticking to my tongue, but other than that... -- Steve Martin

One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it's affection, the taste, or a trial run for the jugular. -- Helen Thomson

Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat. -- Lillian Johnson

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

A dog is man's best friend. A cat is a cat's best friend. -- Robert J. Vogel

The phrase "domestic cat" is an oxymoron. -- George F. Will

Ditzclaimer

Well of course we don't recommend you bathe your cat using these methods! That would be both suicidal and murderous.
We believe that if God had intended us to bathe our own cats he wouldn't have invented groomers! :D:


I am moving through the days better now. The sadness comes and goes, It IS far better to be here with friends and share laughs than to sit here wringing my hands and not moving through it...Thanks all! Churchy, you were RIGHT! It is BETTER to share with friends! Luv ya all, even if ya'll are as goofy as I am :p: !

Found it...

How To Give Your Cat a Pill
by Peggy Althoff



Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thatsa nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from undersofa.

Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's frontpaws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.(Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head overlong edge.

Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds(yours).

Take two aspirins and lie down.


How to give a dog a pill
Place pill in some food.......
*woof*

There are other versions of the How to give a cat a pill, all of them funny...
I love funny cat stories and jokes...I am an "enlightened" cat owner! :D:
sssssuuuuuussssiiiiii



Here is another....

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
IN TWENTY EASY STEPS

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.


Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.


Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.


Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.


Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.


Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.


Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.


Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).


Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.


Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.


Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


I LOVE these, I am SURE, so CERTAIN that other's (Hobie one-six Kenobi, I am talking to YOU!!!!!) have some of these sick jokes as well as other jokes about cats and animals in general. Please share. :twisted: :D:
susi-Q Queen Wannabe

susislicker wrote:I have always loved these...How to give a cat a bath. The other one is how to give a cat a pill...I'll find it and post it...very funny...My sick sense of humor is back!

Well, if you like that kind of humor, may a suggest:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/

It has tons and tons of funny cat images with captions, etc such as this one:



I think you woud like it. Hope it helps cheer you up a bit.

I am going to have THAT one put on a tee shirt!!!!!!! I LOVE that site. I found it also through a couple of vids on youtube. There is a user there who does vids of all the stills of the cts and captions from I has cheeseburger. Very cool. Thx for the link, that's on my favorites now.
soosi :D:

On a sad and bittersweet note, Orion *came home* Thursday. It was after SGT went down for rehab. Scotty from "Beside Still Water's" brought his ashes back to us with a beautiful framed memorial. They did an ink pawprint and used a bit of his beautiful fur and a Cat Guardian Angel charm along with the Rainbow Bridge poem in a beautiful frame. It was cause for much sadness and finally Ralphie let his grief go. He had been holding it in for days whilst our CPA was here. He has cried more since and I think it was a relief to him to finally let it out.
Ralphie also figured out Photo Bucket, so I will have some pictures to share with you today. We are in the process of loading all the pictures. I will post some later today!
Thanks again to all of you!



Let's see if I can get this thing to work... (grunting ang groaning and heavy lifting sounds....)

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc23 ... dfb1c6.jpg

IT DID! IT DID! The linky works!!!!!!! I have learned a new computer trick! My very first pic link, EVER....wow!
the picture is my beloved Orion in *his* chair!
I have to finish loading some of the better ones, but there he is!

I still have to figure out how to bring the picture here, not just the linky....But am I proud of myself learning a new trick. This is gonna be fun......
I have some beautiful pics of Orion I want to share with you...


A special note to Zazu: YOU ROCK, Hornbill! :zazu: ;)
Susi

Nice Picture Susi, hoping for more......

More will be forthcoming as soon as we get more into the system... He was a cutie, huh? :)
susi =^.^=

Makes me miss my old cat, Tavi.

That's it, next place I rent is going to allow pets, and we're getting a cat.

I love big gray kitties! I have my girl, Tawny who is 15 and she is a gray Angora, but not quite as big as Orion was. And she has all this fluffy long hair and is soooo..soft!
Big Wall, nobody should be without a warm kittycat. They are good for keeping toes warm at night, giving you love when everyone else thinks you're a dildo and they just are the most beautiful creatures in the world. I have always had cats and will always HAVE cats. After we get back from DL in December, we will go to the shelters and find another kitty to bring home. We have 3 still, but I love having multiple cats. The most I ever had at once was 6 and they did very well together. We love them so much and they love us right back! =^.^=

susi