An old bum goes into a coffee shop and asks for a cup of coffee.
"But I don't think you can pay for it," says the waitress.
"You're right," says the bum. "I don't have any money, but if I show
you something you've never seen before, will you get me some coffee?"
"Well, OK," says the waitress.
So the guy pulls a hamster out of his pack and it starts to dance. It
has incredible rhythm and can do awesome moves.
"One cup of joe, comin' up," says the waitress.
The guy guzzles it down and asks for more.
"Money or another miracle, or else no joe," says the waitress.
So the guy pulls a frog out of his pack. The frog starts to sing, and
his voice is beautifully high. A guy rushes over and asks for the
frog for $300. The bum gladly accepts.
"Are you insane?" asks the waitress. "You sold a singing frog for
three hundred bucks? It's gotta be worth millions!"
"Not so," said the bum matter-of-factly. "The hamster is also a
ventriloquist."
Joke A Day
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GRUMPY PIRATE
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Re: Joke A Day
Sooooo....DID he get the second cup of coffee??????
hehehehehehe
hehehehehehe
:pirateflaARRRRRRR YA DOIN'?
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hobie16
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Re: Joke A Day
I was sitting at the bar in my favorite restaurant having dinner. A tourist dressed in his best tropical wear walks in and sits at the bar. He orders a bottle of 1950 Chateau Mouton Rothschild. The bartender goes to the wine cellar but apparently couldn’t find any 1950. He decides the customer won’t know the difference so he brings out a bottle of 1960.
The bartender uncorks the bottle and pours some in a glass. The tourist holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. He spits it out and says, “Bartender, that is 1960. I ordered 1950.”
The bartender goes back to the cellar and still can’t find any 1950 so he brings out a bottle of 1954.
He uncorks the bottle and pours some in a glass. The tourist holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. He spits it out and says, “Bartender, that is 1954. I ordered 1950. If you haven’t got 1950 tell me and I’ll leave”
The bartender returns to the cellar and rummaging around, finally finds a dusty bottle of 1950.
Triumphantly, he uncorks the bottle and pours some in a glass. The customer holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. “Very good.” says the customer. “Please leave the bottle.”
A drunk from the other end of the bar has been observing the wine tasting proceedings. He staggers over and says to the tourist, “Buddy, I’ve been watching you. You’re really good. Could you taste this and tell me what it is?”
The tourist takes the glass, holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. He spits it out and exclaims, “Jesus Christ, that tastes like piss!”
“That’s really good buddy,” replies the drunk, “Now, can you tell me how old I am?”
The bartender uncorks the bottle and pours some in a glass. The tourist holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. He spits it out and says, “Bartender, that is 1960. I ordered 1950.”
The bartender goes back to the cellar and still can’t find any 1950 so he brings out a bottle of 1954.
He uncorks the bottle and pours some in a glass. The tourist holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. He spits it out and says, “Bartender, that is 1954. I ordered 1950. If you haven’t got 1950 tell me and I’ll leave”
The bartender returns to the cellar and rummaging around, finally finds a dusty bottle of 1950.
Triumphantly, he uncorks the bottle and pours some in a glass. The customer holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. “Very good.” says the customer. “Please leave the bottle.”
A drunk from the other end of the bar has been observing the wine tasting proceedings. He staggers over and says to the tourist, “Buddy, I’ve been watching you. You’re really good. Could you taste this and tell me what it is?”
The tourist takes the glass, holds it up and examines the color, sniffs it and takes a sip. He spits it out and exclaims, “Jesus Christ, that tastes like piss!”
“That’s really good buddy,” replies the drunk, “Now, can you tell me how old I am?”
Don't be fooled by appearances. In Hawaii, some of the most powerful people look like bums and stuntmen.
--- Matt King
Stay low and run in a zigzag pattern.
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BRWombat
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Re: Joke A Day
[Adaptable for any "lovable loser" sports team...]
A guy walks into a bar with a dog trotting faithfully behind him. The bartender calls out, "Hey, no dogs allowed in here." The man protests, "But we're here to watch the football game. The dog's a big Baylor Bears fan."
The skeptical bartender replies, "Yeah, right. Tell you what, if you can prove he's an actual fan, I'll let him stay."
So the man orders a Dr Pepper (Baptist school, you know), takes a seat in front of the big screen, then pours some of the drink into a bowl for the dog. The dog lies down at the bowl, occasionally licking a sip, but with his eyes glued on the game.
Throughout the first quarter, the dog's eyes never leave the screen. Eventually Baylor drives down into their opponent's territory and kicks a field goal.
As soon as the ball clears the uprights, the dog grabs the bowl in his mouth, guzzles down the remaining liquid, and then runs and jumps around the bar, barking in celebration!
The amazed bartender says, "Wow, I guess he really is a Baylor fan! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," the man replies. "I've only owned him for three years."
A guy walks into a bar with a dog trotting faithfully behind him. The bartender calls out, "Hey, no dogs allowed in here." The man protests, "But we're here to watch the football game. The dog's a big Baylor Bears fan."
The skeptical bartender replies, "Yeah, right. Tell you what, if you can prove he's an actual fan, I'll let him stay."
So the man orders a Dr Pepper (Baptist school, you know), takes a seat in front of the big screen, then pours some of the drink into a bowl for the dog. The dog lies down at the bowl, occasionally licking a sip, but with his eyes glued on the game.
Throughout the first quarter, the dog's eyes never leave the screen. Eventually Baylor drives down into their opponent's territory and kicks a field goal.
As soon as the ball clears the uprights, the dog grabs the bowl in his mouth, guzzles down the remaining liquid, and then runs and jumps around the bar, barking in celebration!
The amazed bartender says, "Wow, I guess he really is a Baylor fan! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," the man replies. "I've only owned him for three years."
"This would be a great place if we could only get rid of all these people." - Walt Disney
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hobie16
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- Location: 717 Miles NNW Of DLR
Re: Joke A Day
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?’
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’ Chuck now leads the U.S. bank bailout team.
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?’
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’ Chuck now leads the U.S. bank bailout team.
Don't be fooled by appearances. In Hawaii, some of the most powerful people look like bums and stuntmen.
--- Matt King
Stay low and run in a zigzag pattern.
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Ms. Matterhorn
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Re: Joke A Day
That's what she said.felinefan wrote:I'd say that's about the size of it.
"Excuse me, are those ducks real?"
"Yes, sir, but the water is fake."
"Yes, sir, but the water is fake."