Fart Fun

[drcorey]

While waiting in line at a disney park you will usally hear someone fart,
so, to have fun while you are waiting, here is how to identify them:

Plain Jane

One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One

Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd

Eggy

Smells very much like rotten eggs. A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch.

Bunbuster

'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting.

Ripper

Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later.

Diesel

Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.

Gunshot

Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

Squeaky

Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

Worrier

The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

Burble

Bubbly!

SBD (Silent But Deadly)

Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse.

Not Now Please!

You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.)You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside.

Who, Me?

You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter

smell ya later...

[hobie16]

No drum roll?

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

No drum roll?

Only after a really good bean burrito with salsa!!!

[Big Wallaby]

Okay, this reminds me of a letter I have to find. Gotta warn you, when I do... it is bordering on vulgar, but if you're a visual thinker, you're laughing so hard you're crying by the end of it.

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Okay, this reminds me of a letter I have to find. Gotta warn you, when I do... it is bordering on vulgar, but if you're a visual thinker, you're laughing so hard you're crying by the end of it.

Always let your conscience be your guide!!! (J. Cricket)

hehehehe



HEY.......

[felinefan]

I've been guilty of a few of the types mentioned--ain't sayin' which, though. :D: I'm so glad I'm not eating or drinking anything right now--I'd choke to death laughing. My eyes are tearing up. Anybody got any good fart stories to tell?

[Big Wallaby]

Then, there's this video which I have heard from sources comes from the Portland International Airport... your mileage may vary, but it's funny to watch.

I also read an article once about how hot farts smell worse than cold ones, and thankfully in this video they look cold. Otherwise, they would have been bright white.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqCfVVkT2KI

Now that I posted it, I found info that it is fake anyway. Plus, look at the angle...

[Big Wallaby]

Then, of course, there's always http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMOH5kpOmu0

[Big Wallaby]

Found it. Loosen your pants and get ready to laugh. Take the time to read this slowly.

For those of you who do live or have lived in Texas, you know about the chili cook offs. The notes below are from the judges.

CHILI CONTEST

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event--



Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
JUDGE THREE (Frank): Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeño tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
JUDGE THREE: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 5 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
JUDGE THREE: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm really getting shit-faced.



Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
JUDGE THREE: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

[Big Wallaby]

Part II:

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
JUDGE THREE: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
JUDGE THREE: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I fear it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I had thought. I can't feel my lips, I think I burned them off. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!



Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.
JUDGE THREE: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. I wonder... how would he have reacted to hot chili?
JUDGE THREE: NO REPORT AVAILABLE