13 Things...

[Dr. Science]

The following is an edited version of a hate filled diatribe originally written after a bad day at EPCOT.

***

13 things to keep me from kicking your ass...
...from the Magic Kingdom, through EPCOT, past Disney-MGM, and right up an elephant's ass down at Disney's Animal Kingdom.

1. I AM NOT AN ANIMATRONIC, I AM A GOD DAMN HUMAN BEING! Yes, I wear a stupid primary colored costume at a theme park where I'm supposed to smile all damn day regardless of what happens. Yes, we all know it's a big sham. Yes, For the most part I am required to kiss your ass. BUT I am not there for your abuse, nor for your hooligan kids to abuse. I'm 28 damn years old, divorced, with a kid that I have to support and I am not going to take any lip from some smarmy moron who thinks I'm a loser because I work at Das Maus Haus.

2. PARK YOUR STROLLERS IN THE DAMN STROLLER PARKING AREA YOU DOLT! I am so sick of getting yelled at by my supervisors and arguing with idiots from Nebraska because some ass decided he didn't have to follow the rules and park his stroller in the area where it's CLEARLY MARKED THAT IT IS WHERE YOU PARK YOUR STROLLER. And don't tell me you didn't see the sign, even if you did miss it, THE FORTY OTHER STROLLERS PARKED THERE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A CLUE, SHERLOCK!

3. LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU, YOU MORON! If it were up to me, I'd let you do whatever you wanted. But I can't. it's a theme park with heavy machinery. Machinery, i might add that I would have no better desire some days than to personally push you under BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU SOMETHING THAT YOU NEEDED TO KNOW FOR YOUR OWN DAMN SAFETY!

4. SHUT UP WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE TALKING OUT OF THE SPEAKERS! It's either an attendant with some important safety information, or something designed to enhance your experience on the ride. Even if you have no interest in either, shut up so that those who are with you CAN HEAR IT BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE INTERESTED, ALL RIGHT, ASS?

5. Additionally, HANG UP YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE. Better yet, don't even bring it to the park. If you need walkie talkies to keep your party together, fine, buy some walkie talkies. 20 bucks at Wal-Mart. YOU'RE ON VACATION SO HANG UP AND ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH YOUR FAMILY OR WHOEVER YOU CAME WITH AND LET FRED IN ACCOUNTING DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM AT THE OFFICE!

6. DO NOT MESS WITH THE ROPES OR CHAINS! They're up for a reason, the reason being to let you know that if the rope or chain is up across your path, YOU DO NOT CROSS IT BECAUSE YOUR AN IMPAITENT ASS WHO THINKS HE'S TOO GOOD TO WAIT LIKE A POLITE MEMBER OF SOCIETY. NOTHING IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE TO BLAZE THROUGH EVERY ATTRACTION IN 5 MINUTES OR LESS. LEAVE THE VACATION SCHEDULE OUT OF THE TRIP. DIDN'T YOU EVER SEE WHAT HAPPENED WHENEVER CHEVY CHASE TRIED TO MAKE ONE IN THOSE MOVIES?!

7. CONTROL YOUR KIDS. Just because you're on vacation does NOT mean you get a vacation from being a parent. I am not a babysitter and my responsibility for your child begins and ends by preventing them from doing anything that will result in their being maimed. in short, if you wouldn't allow them to do something in your own home or anywhere else, DON'T LET THEM DO IT HERE.

8. DO NOT ASSUME YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT HOW THE DAMN ATTRACTION WORKS MORE THAN I DO! I don't care how many damn years you've been coming here, I'm the one with all the latest information on the safety protocols and the capacity of the ride. If I tell you to get into a specific row TAKE THOSE ROWS AND THOSE ROWS ONLY.

9. KEEP YOUR PARTIES TOGETHER AND GIVE ME A TOTAL NUMBER FOR YOUR PARTY. I realize that when you say "there's 3 and 3" you're trying to be helpful, BUT I KNOW MY JOB. I CAN DO BASIC MATH, ALL RIGHT. JUST TELL ME HOW MANY IS IN YOUR PARTY AND I'LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU'LL FIT OR IF YOU NEED TO WAIT A MINUTE! And if you're purposely trying to keep an entire row for yourself by telling me a smaller number than are actually in your party, DON'T WHINE WHEN YOU END UP IN TWO OR MORE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RIDE VEHICLES.

10. SCREAMING AT ME IS NOT GOING TO GET YOUR PROBLEM SOLVED ANY FASTER. If anything, it's just going to piss me off and make me want to do anything to get you to go away! I realize you're upset. but screaming "this is unacceptable" incessantly at me is going to make it harder, not easier to help you. Understand? Stow the righteous indignation and LET ME DO WHAT I CAN TO HELP YOU!

11. REALIZE YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ANY OTHER GUEST AT THE GODDAMN PARK. You do not deserve anything more than what I give to any other guest. The park and the company does not owe you a damn thing outside of a good time. Coming to a theme park with the express intent of bitching ABOUT EVERYTHING IN AN EFFORT TO GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING SICKENS ME AND MAKES ME WANT TO BASH YOUR HEAD REPEATEDLY INTO A CONCRETE WALL. And there's PLENTY of concrete walls at Epcot.

12. DO NOT WHINE BECAUSE ANOTHER GUEST GOT AWAY WITH SOMETHING THAT YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE I WASN'T THE ONE IN THE AREA WHEN THE OTHER GUEST GOT AWAY WITH IT. I deal with constant miscommunication, muddled messages, managers and supervisors who hide in their offices all god damn day, and constant contradictory changes in the rules. BUT, I WILL enforce the rules as they exist to the best of my knowledge and if this means somebody got away with something they shouldn't have because of an idiot co worker of mine, sorry. All i can say is if I were there I'd have stopped them too. IT ISN'T PERSONAL.

13. BE POLITE! I'm going to be more likely to help you if you use some courtesy and recognize that I'm poorly paid, stressed out, and really sick of people thinking they have to be beligerent in order to get any effective help. I'm paying you as much courtesy as I can given your situation and temperment, KINDLY PAY SOME BACK IN RETURN

***


"Thank you, Dr. Science."

[Zazu]

Amen, amen, amen!

[IndyandMarion]

I...I have found my equal!

[Jennly]

I...I have found my equal!

No doubt.... for a second there I actually checked the name to make certain that it wasn't you! :)


JT ex CM 88 - 05 :barf:

[leftcoaster]

5. Additionally, HANG UP YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE. Better yet, don't even bring it to the park. If you need walkie talkies to keep your party together, fine, buy some walkie talkies. 20 bucks at Wal-Mart. YOU'RE ON VACATION SO HANG UP AND ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH YOUR FAMILY OR WHOEVER YOU CAME WITH AND LET FRED IN ACCOUNTING DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM AT THE OFFICE!

I respectfully have to disagree with this to some point. While I agree that people do not need to be talking on cell phones during the pre-show, IN the rides, etc, using cell phones to find other people in your party is MUCH easier that using walkie-talkies. There are only 8 (?) channels available with those walkie-talkies, and with the amount of poeple in the park and the range of the walkie-talkies, 99 times out of 100, you will be talking to everyone EXCEPT the person who you want to communicate with.