Funniest Quotes

[GMC]

mr williams has a point there... i'v never been much for all the chocolate, just the dark kind (allergic to milk chocolate), and the jelly beans, still an odd way to celebrate such gruesome events. I didn't make up the tradition.

[LittleDollClaudia]

Eddie Izzard has it down. His explanation of religion is as follows. God and Jesus are having a convo. Jesus is trying to tell God how he introduced the new way of Christianity with the bread(Eat this, this is my body)and the wine (Drink this, this is my blood). God says to him,"Wait a minute you've got cannibalism and vampirism and then you died on Easter! The biggest Pagan holiday there is?!?!? You'll celebrate your death on a different day every year!" Jesus says, "Don't worry Dad. No one will question it for 200 years, until some transvestite points it out in New York." Blaspheme, blass for you, blass for everyone in the room. Gotta love Eddie.

[Socallica]

GMC, Jesus probably was born in March (or spring at the earliest). Winter in Jerusalem is no time to be holding a census (if that's the real reason they were there). The only reason it's celebrated in December is because the Roman's already celebrated Winter Solstice as their big holiday. What better way to convert them, then to have your big day be the same as their big day. (Sorry if that sounded teachy, I'm a history student planning on being a teacher).

LittleDollClaudia, I was thinking of that quote just before I saw you posted it.

In keeping with the religion theme, I was going to post something by Denis Leary, but decided it was waaay too vulgar. So off the topic of religion, here's one from Ghostbusters that's completely nonsensical:

Dr. Egon Spengler: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?
Louis Tully: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

[CujoSR]

In keeping with the religion theme, I was going to post something by Denis Leary, but decided it was waaay too vulgar.

You don't know us very well do you?

[Socallica]

You don't know us very well do you?

Ok, sorry, I'm still trying to rub the Disney out of my system. Here you go, sorry it's a little long, I had to listen to the track like ten times. From Lock N Load, here's Denis Leary:

Let me get this straight, God talks to Benny, then he talks to Jimmy Swaggart, he talks to wide receivers and defensive linemen, but I was an altar boy for seven years. I memorized the Latin Fucking Mass, and you know what? I’ve never heard from the guy, not a phone call, not a note, but evidently he talks to Reggie White every Saturday night before the big game on Sunday, ‘cause as we all KNOW: God is a huge Green Bay Fucking Packers fan, right? You know what? I’m done, it’s over, I quit, starting my own church, Buh Bye! I am now the leader of the “Lapsed Catholic Church” and here are the rules my friends: Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fuckin’ shall! As long as you don’t have sex with kids or kill anybody, you can do whatever the FUCK you want in my church. But if you even so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don’t get transferred to some distant parish in Nova Scotia. No fuckin’ way pal. You stand naked in the middle of Time Square, wearing a big neon sign that says, “I carry a torch for kids who carry candles” you fuckin’ assholes! And there’s no more magic, no more burning bushes, or blue berry muffins. You screw up this time, the Virgin Mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta from Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, then she sets your dick on fire, OK? Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? ‘Cause he’s coveting every inch of your shit pal!

Voice One: The whole time he’s inserting his finger between my ass cheeks.
Voice Two: Did he get two knuckles up there?
Voice One: Father, what are doing?

Yeah father, what are you doing? Keep your fucking hands to yourself. You want to do something with your hands? Put them up the Pope’s ass, it’s one of the new fucking rules, ok? Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn will lay his hands on the head of a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off the guy can see? Here’s how we do it in my church: “You’re a pothead? Guess what? You’re still a fucking pothead!” And when it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapsed Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That’s right, Father Leary. You walk in and say “Bless me Father, for I have sinned” You know what I say, “That’s fuckin’ great! What’d you do?” “I um, had impure thoughts many times this week.” “Fuckin’ excellent! What Else?” “Um, I jerked off, like five times” “That’s fuckin’ great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street to that store over there, steal two six packs and a pizza, and bring it back here, ok? Cause we’re gonna sit around the rectory, and smoke, and eat pizza, and drink beer, and watch TV. And if we see the Pope on TV, we’re gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, ok?” And you know what else? Ted Kennedy - forgiven. Frank Gifford - forgiven. Marv Albert - forgiven. Al Sharpton - forgiven. Richard Nixon - forgiven. Bill fuckin' Buckner - forgiven. Everybody’s forgiven. Cept you OJ – Fuck you! I hope your kids pull a Menendez on you OJ, then they’ll be forgiven, ten times over. Go in peace my friends. Get the beer, and the pizza, and bring it back here. Cause sin is in, sin is in, and so we begin.