Learning a little about yourself from a guest interaction

[Big Wallaby]

Where I work, my main job is to keep people safe. I don't know why, because as I found out last night, the ice machine there is trying to kill you. Take that to mean whatever you like, but as of last night, the water I consume will be provided by me. But that's not the story I am here to tell.

Again, my job is to keep people safe around alcohol... a tall order, really, but that's my job. When someone has to be turned away because they've consumed too much, it's my job. When someone has had enough to drink and it's time for them to leave, I kick in and do my job, in addition to other things that I have to do.

I had a lady come up to me, pretty tipsy and at a point where I would let her in, but cut her off after one drink. Seeing the cover charge she walked away. A few minutes later, she returned and I told her my stance, that she had obviously been out drinking and that I would cut her off soon... and then I realized that this was someone who just looked very similar to the first woman, but there were a few differences, the biggest being that I was looking into her eyes as I talked to her and they were clear. I apologized and she went inside. Where she told her server, who came back to ask about it.

I explained the situation to the server and she informed me that this lady was now ONLY drinking water because of what I said.

Later, the lady came out with her cup of water and screamed at me that she was only having water. At this point I felt bad about the situation, and I was apologizing but she would have NONE of it.

I felt pretty bad about the situation. That is until she said some magic words to me: "I hope you feel really bad about this. I hope it ruins your night. I hope you feel horrible about this."

And that was when it hit me... I suddenly needed her to walk away so she wouldn't see me laughing at her. Once she told me to feel bad, I refused. If I make a mistake, which I did, and then apologize and offer to fix the situation to the best of my ability, which I did, and then the person who feels slighted would rather I feel bad than have the problem fixed... well, I refuse to make the choice to feel bad about it any more. In that instant, I changed from feeling really, really bad, to considering this the fun moment of my evening.

I am a hypnotist, and while I won't claim to understand how the brain is wired, I do know how to use NLP to create interesting reactions... it's how in 10 minutes (and that's an overestimate) I moved beyond the daily decision to wallow in sadness over something that had happened five years earlier. It's also how last night I went from actually being upset like this customer wanted me to be, to laughing about the situation.

And that's also when I realized... telling someone that they should feel bad is one of the worst things you can do to a fellow human being, short of long-lasting physical injury. It is a form of mental abuse, when you come right to it. There are things you do about which you should feel bad... but unless you're a psychopath or sociopath, that comes naturally. You don't need to be told unless you're about four years old.

Hoping someone feels bad... how long would she like me to feel bad about this? And how bad do I need to feel? Do I need to feel bad the rest of my life? Further, how is her life going to get ANY better because now I feel bad? Telling someone to feel bad does nothing for you. It's one of the worst things you can tell another human being, especially if they are prone to actually do what you said. Where did she even learn that phrase?

I'm betting a lot of people hear this from her.

How sad.

And she left me laughing at her.

[BRWombat]

...And that was when it hit me... I suddenly needed her to walk away so she wouldn't see me laughing at her....

Great post, BW. I'm guessing that the "needing her to walk away" part was for providing decent customer service for your employer's sake and protecting your job -- but dang, one of the most satisfying things to do in a situation like that is to let them see you laughing at them.

[hobie16]

Laughter is always the best medicine.

[YANXWIN]

Shaken adult syndrome may have helped too.

[DisneyMom]

I wrote a long story about a relative who told me, "But we love you! If you don't believe that, I feel sad for you"
Short story- They ripped off my Dying Dad off for thousands of dollars and were trying to keep me in the dark.

Manipulative people SUCK.

[felinefan]

I wrote a long story about a relative who told me, "But we love you! If you don't believe that, I feel sad for you"
Short story- They ripped off my Dying Dad off for thousands of dollars and were trying to keep me in the dark.

Manipulative people SUCK.

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Big Wallaby]

I am going to disagree with the idea that manipulative people suck, but hold on for just a second.

Everything I ever did while working for Disney was manipulative. I was manipulating people to make them feel good and well served. A lot of the time my manipulation required great service, and I was able to make it seem world class every time. If you are good with people, you are a good manipulator. I am a good manipulator and I am manipulative in every thing I do. My favorite manipulation was when I needed someone who was smoking to either put out their cigarette or move. I've talked about what I did here... I would first accept what they were doing and where, and then I would inform them NICELY that they were in an area where smoking was prohibited. Same with closing the stroller before getting on the bus.

The difference is in that if I manipulate you, it's not to pull the wool over your eyes. It's not to do something that will be bad for you. When I manipulate, I make sure it is for the benefit of all involved. So I'm going to change it to this: People who manipulate for their own interest and don't mind hurting others suck.

[hobie16]

I am going to disagree with the idea that manipulative people suck, but hold on for just a second.

Everything I ever did while working for Disney was manipulative. I was manipulating people to make them feel good and well served. A lot of the time my manipulation required great service, and I was able to make it seem world class every time. If you are good with people, you are a good manipulator. I am a good manipulator and I am manipulative in every thing I do. My favorite manipulation was when I needed someone who was smoking to either put out their cigarette or move. I've talked about what I did here... I would first accept what they were doing and where, and then I would inform them NICELY that they were in an area where smoking was prohibited. Same with closing the stroller before getting on the bus.

The difference is in that if I manipulate you, it's not to pull the wool over your eyes. It's not to do something that will be bad for you. When I manipulate, I make sure it is for the benefit of all involved. So I'm going to change it to this: People who manipulate for their own interest and don't mind hurting others suck.

Nice manipulation.

[Goofyernmost]

I am going to disagree with the idea that manipulative people suck, but hold on for just a second.

Everything I ever did while working for Disney was manipulative. I was manipulating people to make them feel good and well served. A lot of the time my manipulation required great service, and I was able to make it seem world class every time. If you are good with people, you are a good manipulator. I am a good manipulator and I am manipulative in every thing I do. My favorite manipulation was when I needed someone who was smoking to either put out their cigarette or move. I've talked about what I did here... I would first accept what they were doing and where, and then I would inform them NICELY that they were in an area where smoking was prohibited. Same with closing the stroller before getting on the bus.

The difference is in that if I manipulate you, it's not to pull the wool over your eyes. It's not to do something that will be bad for you. When I manipulate, I make sure it is for the benefit of all involved. So I'm going to change it to this: People who manipulate for their own interest and don't mind hurting others suck.

I feel so.. so... what's the word? Manipulated!!!

[GaTechGal]

I am going to disagree with the idea that manipulative people suck, but hold on for just a second.

Everything I ever did while working for Disney was manipulative. I was manipulating people to make them feel good and well served. A lot of the time my manipulation required great service, and I was able to make it seem world class every time. If you are good with people, you are a good manipulator. I am a good manipulator and I am manipulative in every thing I do. My favorite manipulation was when I needed someone who was smoking to either put out their cigarette or move. I've talked about what I did here... I would first accept what they were doing and where, and then I would inform them NICELY that they were in an area where smoking was prohibited. Same with closing the stroller before getting on the bus.

The difference is in that if I manipulate you, it's not to pull the wool over your eyes. It's not to do something that will be bad for you. When I manipulate, I make sure it is for the benefit of all involved. So I'm going to change it to this: People who manipulate for their own interest and don't mind hurting others suck.

I would refer this to proper behavior modification rather than manipulation. Or we could just call it good guest relations.